Saturday morning. 40 degrees and light drizzle. Windy. I'm huddled in front of the space heater on high. Window open. Drinking coffee. Rebelling against myself by writing without reading glasses.
Do I want a simple life? Or, better, do I lead one?
I microdosed last night before bed. A small amount of mushrooms. Fell asleep watching Northern Exposure. One of the main characters has run away from materialism and is living off grid in a Native American village. One day at a time. Self trust and connection with the wild world. He is fiction but I envy his freedom. His escape from the domestic mindset.
I do have some of that detachment in my daily life. Moreso, I think, than the average person in my community. It could be part of why I so often feel I am looking in on my culture more than participating. I don't delude myself, though. I am very attached to my things. Very dependent on the convenience of city life.
It sucks me in.
I find myself window shopping lately. On Amazon. New beanie, new couch, new shirts, display cases. Things I don't need. Things I don't truly want to acquire from the platform of cheap deals designed to put profit in a few bulging pockets so that the majority of us can satisfy impulsive whims brought on by a need to satiate desires too inundated to define.
I go to the store almost every day to feed some new food craving.
Hungry. Always hungry.
Maybe it's winter. Too much television, social media. Addiction to the pursuit of escape while loathing the escape itself because it does not take me anywhere.
It's not all bad, of course. I do find myself writing more.
Maybe this is a transition. A transformation. I am noticing these empty wants so that I may learn to let them go.
I have struggled with finances most of my life. Perhaps I have been pursuing a life that is not for me.
This is my entry for the #monomad challenge, held daily in the Black and White Community.
Give it a try. Maybe it's what you need.
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