I'd always assumed insomnia came from a busy mind, and that once I learned to quiet mine of incessant anxiety, planning, wishing, that sleep would come easy.
I've come a long way. I've come a long way, baby.
I wasn't planning on saying baby.
But I did.
You'll understand in a minute.
I'm no master of mindfulness, though I've been a lot of places and faced a lot of fears and abandoned any sense of control I thought I might have over other people. Over crows. Nature. My own thoughts and emotions.
I've done a lot of therapy. Told myself more truth than I believed I could handle.
My mind does feel quieter.
I'm learning to pull myself away from creating when the hours grow late. To lay down and turn off the lights and just be tired, so tired, goddam I'm so fucking tired. I do all the things. I don't think about much.
And yet...
Sometimes I can get an audiobook to lull me to sleep. When that doesn't work, I listen. I listen and I hear something I don't like, so I listen deeper.
Fuck it, I'm awake, might as well try and apply this to my life.
There was this person... I shared more than 8 years of my life with him. I talk about him sometimes. He hurt me. I stayed. One of those stories.
Every day I do something to heal my past. Somehow. In some way. Still, the memories of his deeds and his very existence burn, hurt, reach me.
I close my eyes. With a small broom in one hand, I walk backwards along a path, sweeping away who he is today, who he was with me, who he was before I knew him. Sweeping away every trace of his life until I find myself present with the fragility of his infancy.
I hold him in my arms. I don't want to hold him. I don't want to care about this baby, who will grow up to hurt others. Hurt me.
But I do.
I hold him in my arms and he cries. Screams. Grabs at the cold black void in search of warmth. He is colorless. Empty.
I don't want to love him.
But I do.
What did you to to this baby?
What the fuck did you do to this baby??!!
This is my entry for the #monomad challenge, held daily in the Black and White Community.
Give it a try. The contest. Or forgiveness. Contest is easier.
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