Wow, I can't imagine what it must have took to share this. You definitely seem like a really driven person, but I'd also like to encourage you that you DON"T need to go through it alone. As the saying goes, if you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. Taking time to stop, and contemplate and be thankful (an attitude of gratitude) can also help to re-center yourself. I'd also like to encourage you to keep asking questions and keep looking for your purpose, and i pray that you'll also find the 'meaning' that you are looking for.