Since the start of the year, I have been working nonstop often through weekends and also working into the late hours; this is on top of managing expectations at my side hustle and keeping up with my difficult climbing training programme that will hopefully get me to harder climbing grades.
The stress has been so great that it has had profound effects on myself mentally and physically...so I decided to take a day off work last week due to it. Heading out into London's East End, I had some time to myself to think about things. In the afternoon dropped into my usual place where I get chinese pastries (ongong buns: https://ongongbuns.com/) and had a chat with the owner and explained how I dreamt of just doing something I love and dropping out of my current failing career. He encouraged the idea of making an instagram and creating a following in the hopes of eventual sponsors although I have self doubts (not just in my climbing ability) since I see very little good qualities in myself. I am not interesting, good looking or funny or anything; I just climb as hard as I work day in and day out. I am still on the fence regarding making an instagram for my climbing but I just have nothing interesting to post to be honest.
Lately I have been feeling so defeated and hopeless as I am approaching the age of 30; a lot of people around me are happy and successful but yet I feel singled out and still struggling finding my way around things often experiencing sleepless nights. I never felt so discouraged, I am not so sure if my pursuit of being a sponsored/pro climber is futile or not. For the last few years, I have only become familiar with living under stressful circumstances and hopelessness...
I have been contemplating just handing my notice in at my current job and retiring from being a data engineer. I think failing for 5 years is long enough; although it will cut my income down by about 75%; I think I can try to justify my reasons to my family. As for climbing, I am still going to try and keep up with my commitment to the sport. I have scraped enough money to renew my bouldering membership for the next year and I have some money left for "supplies".
Whatever happens, I just hope that I can get the support of the very few/many people that come across this.