I've been up all night for most of the time. For me it is still okay though because I can just sleep during the day because my reason is that I have nothing to do at day time, I could not go to the market, supermarket, I can't go to the river and fish or set-up fish traps, I could not fish in the nearby stream.
I could not go and visit my friends or some of my churchmates, it is forbidden anyway. I could not cook much less do chores or even clean my room. My room is just dirty as my parents just mops and sweeps away dust and fallen food debris beside my bed.
I could also not do hobbies, I can't do my target practice with my gun, it is broken anyway. A long time ago I was contemplating on how I could buy myself a quality air or CO2 gun. Now that I can be able to even buy a "real" one good luck to me because I most possible will not be able to even carry it.
I am frustrated too that I could not do my favorite thing to do around the house which is to cook. Now I just order the foods that I am craving for from time to time because most of the time I do not like what my parents are cooking as my mother really could not do my instructions. So I would ask her to buy me some fermented rice and fish so that I could eat more than I would if not for that kind of side-dish.
No matter how I believe that physically I could do something but when I start to sit-up and feel the discomfort to even sit around I would say "nope" to what I plan I would be like doing because it is just impossible physically.
So what can I do at the moment?, wait until things clear-up if it would ever clears-up for me. Now I just reside in doing what I can which is to write my thoughts in this platform and then eat, Take a bath, sleep (if I can) and go for my dialysis, work in the Internet.
My life just revolves around the said things because I am disabled, probably worse than being disabled because of my ridiculous expenses and the continued hardships that I am experiencing with my life compared to other disabled persons which have not much expenses, not physically tortured, not much worries and just lost a limb or an eye or are deaf-mute.
But in my case it is complicated, much more in the side of hopelessness than being complicated which is why often I would think about giving-up and not fighting anymore because it is just so hard. The only difference in my life is that I have online friends that backs me up, you are all the hand of God for me. May God bless and keep you all.
My family also loves me and that is so important for me although they can just offer much financially but they are not obligated to do so. If I am in a different country or culture I might have been thrown in an institution or the streets already.
But this community had been so much kind for me which is why I am still able to survive my rare condition and prodigal existence. But I am working hard to improve my life and turn the night into a day and be a night owl from time to time. It is just fun to enjoy the peace of the night while everyone is fast asleep here I am toiling and also having fun on the side because of the internet, thank goodness for the Internet.