Sorry to tell you guys that this post is going to be one of those work rant and roll again. I just really need to express my thoughts especially when I cannot do so, or at least fully, at work. The fact that I cannot do anything about it gives me crippling anxiety.
What can you do? I've been reduced to the mundane these days. No sunny adventures, no nomadic life, so you have to put up with this interesting chapter of my life, just like I said a few months ago. Everything about my life is still writable though.
Thankfully, I have a few friends to talk to both in real life and here online. Those who truly understand me, my kind of people. But at work, I just feel deeply alone and it has become quite unbearable lately. It's gradually bringing out the monster in me.
Have you ever felt alone just because you don't fit in a given situation or environment? Or be surrounded by people who make you feel alone? Or be treated by people who make you feel more alone? This just describes my work life right now. I hate this feeling that it's always me against the world. Yes, I know they say Alphas don't run in packs. I do appreciate my strength and the fact that I can stand my ground no matter what. But up to what extent really? Because the end justifies the means? I must be so damn spiritual to even put up with this stoic kind of suffering. Maybe I'm just a masochist. Maybe I am just super flawed.
To be specific, I just got overwhelmed with the trend. None of my requests have been approved to this day including that work-from-home setup (this case is hopeless so I have to let it go). The company just wants to pick my poison, go to the office and risk getting some "weird flu" or stay at home and not get paid.
Now my colleague quit her job so her tasks were turned over to me. I asked about the wage increase and of course, all I got are vague replies or no replies at all from the management (which is pretty much what happens when I assert my needs - probably an act so unheard of around here?). Now that I automated my tasks, I figured I could do everything in less time anyway without letting them know.
There is still one task that is going to be turned over to me. I created a form via "SharePoint" so that it'd be easier to collate the data from the cloud (for offices we work with outside the country too) rather than use the old Excel form they have. The online form is just way easier for me and for the users to input data that I would need. I rolled it out and got some objections from the directors and management straight away. Basically, they are finding some reasons to object like users can input credit card numbers on the text boxes. And on excel they can't lol? I even asked the client/counterpart directly if there would be any data security problems using this form - and they said No. And they are the real bosses here. I feel like the people here just find reasons to object and not see the good in something. Let's forget about the lack of appreciation because I don't even care anymore. At this point, it's all self-interested. I'm just being efficient here. All I want is to make my work easier and my day-to-day life bearable for as long as I can.
Well of course the management didn't like it when I asked the client or our counterpart directly. But they didn't give me any choice and I needed direct answers. Our culture is more about being agreeable and going through runarounds - which I really hate. Nothing ever gets done this way. Nothing happens. So my straightforwardness has been a curse.
You know how it is in corporate life, there's this hierarchy and you need to validate each person on each level. The thing is, my team used to only have one manager, and now they invented this new hierarchy just to fill in positions. They said their job is to support us, but so far, nothing has been approved. All the hierarchy did was to have more people unnecessarily lording over me. I mean, what is their actual purpose aside from making my life a pain here?
After that contact with the client, one of the managers actually told me "no more further action from you". And one of them even said, "You cannot request or arrange a meeting with any of the directors or clients" or simply put, I cannot ask them questions. I cannot do anything. I just simply need to sit, jump, and roll lol. And just be silent. Be a braindead blind obedient robot.
I've just been so utterly frustrated and my resentment piled up. Not a good way to live your life really. I feel like I can do anything because I have nothing to lose anymore. Or that if they fire me, I only will feel liberated. I finally told my immediate sup via our Skype Chat that "She cannot assert our needs to the management/dept because nothing has ever been approved or done to this day". And she accused me of "disrespect". I said it is not disrespect, it's just the truth. And the truth hurts. So I'll get a written warning because I didn't say those mean things in a nice way.
In other cultures, straightforwardness is normalized. Where I am, there's just painfully too much BS and running around in circles. And speaking your mind and asserting your needs mean "bad attitude". And people are so damn agreeable - the very reason they don't own these corporations. They perfectly fit the blind obedient robot role. One that can be easily exploited. One that can be easily taken inappropriate advantage of simply because they cannot speak up for themselves. And worse, cannot think for themselves.
I stand my ground and refused to be bulldozed by those at the hierarchy but at what cost in the end? My own peace of mind? I just know what I want ... means to an end yes? Well of course I started off as a nice and full of purpose person then situations and people just pushed me to my limits that staying silent is more detrimental. It "kills my unborn self".
I know it's hard for you all to believe that I wasn't born a monster. Out there I may look tough to protect myself, and here is the only place I can freely express my vulnerabilities. This is my space so I hope you guys stand with me even if it sounds crazy. I hope for your love and understanding. I just don't want to be ganged up on, at least here, and not be made feel alone anymore. I already get this in real life just for being in the wrong place and time. Just for being different and for being Me. I wish I don't think differently just so I don't have to experience so much pain. I wish I can have things easy but I can't. I wish I'm just like everyone else but it's too late. The world gave me this pill and there's no turning back.