Not long ago, while I was preparing for my trip to Europe, I reached out online for feedback. What I got in return was a flood of requests about what life is like in America. It caused me to ponder why so many want to live here. Do they still think the streets are paved with gold? Because after all of the potholes I've experienced, I can assure you they're not. Maybe it's a case of the grass being seen as greener on the other side, causing an attraction like flies to a still-warm cow pattie. Don't get me wrong, I love my country, but you gotta be careful about where you go. So, to lighten things up during these difficult times, I decided to share my view of *A Humorous Take on American States.* If you like it, I may drop some more chatter about them from time to time. So let's begin.

Ohio

Something about a "Buckeye" I don't know what that is, but they sure do like saying it. I think it's a sexual term or something. Ohio, gotta take a deep breath before I talk about this one. Because for some odd reason, a lot of people live there. It has the misfortune of sitting on lake Erie, which is like the most polluted body of water in America. Drink to that!. When I think of this state, what comes to mind is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (and boy are they lucky they got it, that thing should be in Philly) and Bigfoot. Along with Washington state, Ohio has to have the largest concentration of Bigfoot sightings east of the Mississippi.

Rhode Island

Think about this; "Rhode Island and Providence Plantations." That was actually the full name of the state until they finally got embarrassed enough to change it. Have you ever actually met anybody from Rhode Island? I didn't think so, neither have I. Too small, and mostly empty. They have like one town or something. I'd absorb this into Massachusetts. It's as if the mapmaker was drunk and just said; "I got this little bit of land I forgot about. Fuck it, I'll make it into a state anyway. It's so small, nobody will ever notice!" Nuff said.

Connecticut

Most Americans can't even spell the name of this place, let alone find it on a map. A suburb of Boston, with the same problems as Rhode Island, empty and flat as a pancake. Diana Ross lives there, I have no idea why. Lotta gangs hang out here, but because the state is so small, they keep bumping into each other. Claims to be a part of something called "New England" but Scotland wants nothing to do with them.

New Jersey

I used to live there and they don't call it "The Armpit of America" for nothing. I mean, you have Atlantic City with the casinos, and that's about it folks. We lived in Paterson, which is basically part of New York City. You could look out of your window and see the ass-end of the Statue of Liberty. Jersey should be merged into Pennsylvania so that they can have ocean access. They have a place there called 'The Pine Barrens" which is some giant forest where the mafia dumps dead bodies and has loads of Bigfoot sightings. They like to give their ghetto towns cute names like Cape May and Perth Amboy, don't be fooled, it's like putting lipstick on a pig. The whole place looks like Camden, which is the wild west of the east coast. Gamble at the casinos and then get the hell out.

Iowa

They like to tip over cows here. Never been there, but my friends tell me the whole place stinks of cowshit. He said he regularly banged one as a teen and all of his buddys did as well. Very telling. I guess that's what happens when you can't score a girl (or boy for that matter). Another flat one with no real hills or mountains, with mile after mile of stinky farms. Who in their right mind would want to live there. Every four years they have a caucus here, where elderly people get to decide who our President will be. Therefore, this blank spot on the map takes on an outsized importance it really shouldn't have. They have some town here called "Des Moines" and they get real pissed off if outsiders pronounce it wrong. Iowa really should have remained the prairie that it always was and it's not too late to just level the place and let the tall weeds grow.

Indiana

Another forgotten place. It's like they had another hole in the map and just decided to fill in the blank spot with a state. There's some car race called the Indy 500, that they have once a year. The cars go around in circles for hours until they get dizzy. But besides that, there is no compelling reason to visit. None. They have something called a Hoosier here. I think it's something you do? as in "man, I really hoosiered him!" I'm not sure if it's a sexual term or not? Sounds kinda kinky. They like to go around saying it a lot. We really shouldn't be encouraging that kind of behavior. Avoid.

I was gonna write about Illinois, but decided to watch some Amazon Prime instead. Thus ends this first installment and let it be a wake up call to any foreigners daring to think about coming to America. No matter what you see online, we didn't get our constitutional rights from the founding fathers or the military (though we value their sacrifice), but from God above. And while the streets here truly aren't paved with gold, America is my home and I love my country. I hope you read this in the good-natured way I wrote it. So I'll end with this: Welcome to America, now leave. Damn you Neil Diamond! :)