Dear Diary,
I hope you're doing well. It's been really long since I've come to you and told you things. I hope you aren't already thinking to give up on me. Well.... even if you are, I can understand, just like other things that I understand.
But I don't know, it's just such a vague picture of everything that it seems like almost giving up. No... I don't want to be a cry baby but is it really bad that I'm not okay with anything? Is it not normal to feel an ache when I see the patterns again? Okay, I know I can be wrong, I can be brooding and overthinking, but am I? What if it's the truth? What if I'm in yet another myth, in a delusional world that's nothing but a spider web drowning me in itself. Do I really need to be in such a mess all the time?
I understand that things are not always black and white, they're grey too... but are they?
"The things that make you are the things that break you", but what if you're no longer left to be broken? What if by leaving a part of you in everything you leave behind makes you more vulnerable and nothing of you is left for yourself?
The thing here is.... maybe I am not even blaming anyone right now, maybe I have already accepted that this is where I am destined to be. But am I really that bad? I words don't support my heart, and my heart doesn't support my brain, and my brain is in constant denial of giving up. So here, what am I supposed to do. Maybe I am already so broken that I cannot be brought together again. Maybe it's just me who doesn't deserve to be here. You can't be so much to someone when you're a no one to yourself.
They say, some of us think that holding on makes us strong but sometimes is letting go. And I think it's valid enough to be true. So here, I am letting go... all the promises, baggage, and what-ifs and maybes that I had. I am letting go off the pain and insecurities I have been holding. I am letting go off the anxiety and troubles I have had. I am stepping forward to forgive myself for the mistakes I never made. I am stepping forward for embracing me and loving me and letting myself know... that it's Okay, not to be Okay.
And in my journey, I hope you'll stay there to see where I head to.
Yours
Trying to love myself.