Let's get one thing straight, I am not.
Straight— ever since I thought I was one. Playing barbies and teddy bears, fighting the urge to play nor like the feeling of toys played by boys.
Being an ‘in-between’ type of person is one of the hardest things that I needed to overcome while I’m growing up. I have this urge to conform with people especially into the group of people I belong to. Even though I feel that everything’s alright with me, something is different inside of me.
A something which I’m not ready to accept, before.
At first I thought I was just a little bit confused about things. I just love the feeling of wearing something comfortable and doing what I really wanted to. I never thought that there is a special reason why I am feeling that way.
It was around 4th grade, I have a hard time to get along with people. I don’t have the courage to be with people. I have a hard time to make friends that’s why I don’t have any. I barely talked to anyone except some of my seat mates which are girls. I am not ashamed to share things with them since I know that they can understand me.
‘She’s a girl and I love her around’
That seat mate of mine became my talk mate. We end up sharing stories and endless experiences. She became a good companion of mine. Everytime she talks, I will listen and every smile she’s making is something special to me.
I have an imaginative mind and that’s the reason why I rarely talk because I have a lot in my mind. Having that own space, I let someone in. Someone whom shared her stories with me– a person whom I really liked.
That’s how it all started or maybe from the very beginning it’s all as it is.
During my high school days, I was probably a loner though there are times wherein I actually socialize. This reason made me realize of other possibilities of what I truly feel.
When I was with girls its just the same as with guys but there is something in me that sees other ‘girls’ attractive. I never thought that there is a reason why I am feeling that way. With this confusion in mind, I disassociate myself with everyone.
It happened for some time. I let myself get to my senses. The loneliness and that ‘being alone’ period came to an end when I met people that changed my perspective.
When I met them and the phrase ‘I am bisexual’ or ‘bisexuality’ ...
I knew it from the day that I heard it.
‘Alas! That what it really is— This is WHO I AM’
Knowing the right term and learning what SOGIE means, I met that enlightenment I’m looking for all throughout. However, it’s not the case here. I, myself must admit that I am afraid of my own sexuality.
It’s something new to me, something that I never heard of... I am different and it bothers me.
At first, I was hesitant to tell nor hear the word ‘bisexual’ or ‘bisexuality’ as if I’m guilty of a crime I never did. When people asks me who I like or what kind of guy I like, I always tell them things which I am not sure too.
Until one day, things turn the right way. There is a friend of mine who shared her stories with me. Stories which she experienced first hand. We shared and exchanged our personal thoughts including issues which later on focused merely on ourselves.
I can vividly recall how things turned swiftly as if it has been a confession for her to make. She told me that very personal matter. A fact she never shared with anyone. She opened herself, her sexuality.
We talked randomly but as we dig deeper about sexuality and its reality, I began to think of things. Maybe I should not be afraid of being honest with myself.
I shared some stories with her about my personal experiences being with bisexuals and as being one.
That day, she began to open herself; expressing it lovingly. She thanked me for being there and for helping her ‘open up’ but the reality is I am not really the one who helped her... it’s her desire and passion to really move forward.
With this conversation I finally opened up with myself. I mustered my courage and talk with others about my sexuality.
It came a long way to finally be free and happy. Now, I love myself even more and I do understand what I truly feel. Today I can say, I am a woman and I am proud to be a bisexual.