I was never like other kids.
I didn't like sports really. I did like going outside and exploring and building forts, but I also liked playing with computers and electronics. Before it was cool.
When I was a kid, tablets didn't exist. Laptops weren't even a thing. I did have an old computer that was my older brother's though.
I learned multiplication and addition and spelling and many other things on it, including BASIC programming.
All before I even entered school.
One thing about having siblings is that you never think anything you do is amazing, because someone's always better than you at it.
So when I was blasting away at math games on the computer, I was always the loser. I was never as fast as my siblings. Now I kind of wonder why my parents never encouraged me and made me realize that it was amazing that I was able to do all my multiplication tables before I was even in kindergarten. It even got me in trouble once I joined school, because I was ahead of all the students, and my teacher kept marked up my papers in red for doing division to multiple decimal places.
Kinda figured out that I was a bit more advanced than other kids of course though. I'm not daft, even if I am a bit punk.
But I never felt like I was great at math. I was always somehow convinced I was horrid, because I didn't actually memorize my multiplication tables. That feeling that I was slower at math kind of stuck. I did well often in math, but I also always felt like I was bad. Thinking back, it kinda felt like no one ever managed to convince me that I was good enough. No 100% was enough. I was always just who I was.
And when I was writing text based RPG's and dumb text games in BASIC on that old computer as a kid, it was never something amazing. It was always not good enough. I never realize that the games I was playing were made by professional adults working endless hours. My personal projects were always just amateur musings.
Later, when my computer got an upgrade, around the time when the internet became a thing, and AOL was gouging people more than aliens in fields, my knowledge got several upgrades as well. Unfortunately it was no longer like the good old days. You didn't get a BASIC prompt when you turned on the computer. The only standard programming language on my new computer was AppleScript and Hypercard. So I learned those. I hacked apart the System Folder of my new computer, fully customizing the operating system. But I never considered it "hacking" or anything amazing. It was just something I learned. After hours on end.
The dumb point and click games I made in Hypercard were just stupid musing by a child. I never even considered that a real game could be made with it. It was pretty unstable as well. I know that I did actually write multiple stories and games in it. I didn't even save them I don't think.
Then I started programming script kiddie bullshit to flood chat rooms and exploit bugs. I'll skip over that part mostly and claim innocence beyond some simple kiddie shit to annoy people and draw ASCII art. But again I never thought it was much of anything. I never realized that I was actually writing full programs, even if it was in a scripting language, that were actually of use. They were just things I was messing with.
Then when I learned to design webpages, it was just because that was the only classes I could take. I didn't think designing a web page was a big deal. Now I realize I should have been earning quite a bit of money back then designing pages for people. Instead I often got exploited to do free and cheap labor for people too fucking stingy to hire someone professional. Not like there was anyone else in my area to hire me on to a team though. Probably should have found someone to work with and started my own.
Except I had imposter syndrome. Perpetual imposter syndrome.
Always struck with how much better other people were such that I never realized how good I was.
I actually was designing fliers for years without getting paid fuck all or next to fuck all.
Once I took real graphics design classes, I still was never as good as other graphics artists. I never realized they spent hundreds or thousands of hours working on their craft. I never really was able to do the art part of it. At least I never could with a mouse. Even though I knew I was better than many of the people I saw making supposedly professional graphics, I never thought I was good enough.
Then I started doing web development. Looking back, I really should have realized I was amazing. I should have been working professionally before I was out of my teens. But I couldn't find anyone to take a chance on me. Now I realize maybe those offers I got to move across the country were for a reason, and I should have taken one of them.
I still consider myself kind of mediocre if I'm to be honest. I don't really trust myself to do amazing things like blockchain work. Not that I couldn't. I just somehow am never good enough.
Starting to think this is a lifelong problem that I kinda wish I could get some help with.
But I'll probably just continue never being good enough.
For this With Those with Imposter Syndrome by Alan Levine (source)
Taken on September 16, 2012
Used under CC BY 2.0 License
