Healing starts when we let ourselves feel what we feel, embrace all our emotions, and want to accept all our feelings. On the other hand, denying will just make us looks like we are okay but we aren't. And it will make us worse.
For some people feeling something is just easy. But it can be difficult and terrifying for others especially those who have mental health issues.
I grow up in a family where they don't have good communication skills. When I was a kid I have never been asked about what am I feeling? or are you sad? or what made you feel sad? If I felt sad, angry, or disappointed, I would just be quiet and kept all the feelings just for myself. Nobody asked about my feeling, so I didn't use to communicate what I feel.
Then I grew up and became a person who can't really know how to express or telling her feeling to others. I didn't even really know and understand my emotion. I used to just be quiet, buried my emotion deep down in my heart, and always want to look okay in front of people. When I have negative feelings I will deny them and told myself that I am okay, I need to be strong. I didn't let myself feel those negative emotions. That's why people thought that I am a happy, good and cheerful person. Look like my life was perfect.
Until one day I got the diagnosis of my mental illness. It made me realized that I am not okay and I need help. I start seeing a therapist and start learning to be open and learn to understand my emotion and share what I feel with my therapist. Which is so difficult for me. I remembered the first time I met my therapist I couldn't really talk because I just cried a lot and didn't know what to say. Good thing he is really patient and helpful.
To be better at understanding and communicating my feeling, I started writing a journal every day. I write what I experience and what I feel about that. It helps me to know myself better and more important is to feel and accept every emotion that comes into my heart.
That time I decided to stop hiding and take off my fake smile. I took courage and let me feel what my heart is feeling. It was not easy when all the negative feelings that I have buried for many years appeared at one time. It was really painful and terrifying. But with the tears, I told myself "it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel those emotions. You're just a human that's okay to feel it. It's okay to not be strong this time"
I started realizing all the feelings and tried to accept them. Deal with it one by one. I took a lot of time and got through many ups and downs. Sometimes I couldn't get up from one emotion that made me fall just deeper and deeper again in the dark.
But now after the long process, I can say confidently that when we start letting ourselves feel, we start to heal.
And healing is a lifetime process. Every people have their own time. So just take your time.
October 10 was World Mental Health Day. That's why I decide to write a series this month about mental health.
I love writing and sharing my story to spread mental health awareness.
How do I know if I have mental health issues? [ World Mental Health Day Series #1]
Mental health care for all: let’s make it a reality [ World Mental Health Day Series #2]
*all the pictures are free pictures from https://pixabay.com
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