I have been speechless since I've heard the news, and as time went by, it became even more difficult to accept the truth. But nothing can change the truth. My best friend from middle school committed suicide, and nothing can get her back.
I think I'm also still in shock at how I found out this. I was sitting at a restaurant with my current best friend, and she was telling me about the unfair working conditions of law interns in Turkey. She has graduated this year and started to work as an intern as it's a legal obligation for all law graduates. In the midst of the conversation, she told me about a young law intern who had recently committed suicide.
My friend didn't know her personally but she told me that the intern who commit suicide was one of her friend's close friends. Then she gave some more details about her, including her name, and her family conflicts. As the conversation went by, suddenly something clicked in me. I didn't know what that was, as I believe it happened in my subconscious before my conscious realized what was going on. That clicking led me to ask my friend the surname of the intern who commit suicide. I still didn't know why I was asking that as it all happened suddenly in my subconscious, but my subconscious must have picked something. Once my friend told me the surname of the intern, I froze for a moment. Out of a sudden, all the information my friend was giving me a while ago about her formed a coherent picture. The intern who committed suicide was my best friend from middle school, but we had lost contact once we went to different high schools.
Our friendship lasted only about a year, but we got really close and went through a lot of things together in that short period of time. She was always a bit depressive and gloomy, but I would never imagine her committing suicide one day. She was wise beyond her years, and having conversations around random topics with her was one of my favorite activities at the time. We were only 13 years old, but she had a great knowledge on politics, human rights, or any topic you can imagine, and I would always feel incredibly enlightened after our conversations. From politics to make-up, we would talk and laugh about anything for countless hours.
The news mentioned that it was not her first suicide attempt and that she attempted to commit suicide before in high school, which shocked me one more time.
I learned about her suicide roughly a month ago, but I still don't know what to feel or say. I just wish we didn't lose contact so that I could be there for her when things got tough. Maybe my existence wouldn't be much of a help, but at least I could have a chance to do something. I wouldn't even know about her death if we didn't have that random conversation with my friend at the restaurant, which is even more terrifying to think about.
But, since she is already gone, it is useless to think about all the alternatives that could have happened. I cannot wish anything other than that she is happy where she is now. I hope she knows how much I love her, and that I'll never forget the moments we shared.