I learnt recently that there are friendship of utility and friendship of virtue. There's also a third one but can't really remember that right now.
As the name implies, friendship of utility is centered around the usefulness of how that person is to you and vice versa.
My understanding is that these are the type of "friends" that are not hard to come by given there's always one issue or another that we want to solve but can't solve directly without the input of another.
I met Amanda, eh, at a shopping mall talking about real estate development. I want to get into real estate, she can teach me the ropes and connect me with the right people. So naturally, Amanda, let's be friends.
This a typical implicit way these type of friendships are formed. It's almost subconsciously engineered, as in you don't wake up plotting to befriend someone for their connections, but when opportunity presents itself, you lean in.
Amanda may or may not know the implicit reasonings behind my sudden interest in her weekend plans.
Perhaps, she's altruistic and will gladly help a newcomer navigate the industry she mastered.
Possibilities
There are quite a few variables that determine how this plays out.
One of them being that Amanda is savvy, been in real estate for fifteen years and can spot a utility friendship from a mile away.
She decides to play along because I seem genuine enough. The friendship becomes a mentorship with clear boundaries. Until I prove my worth, she shares knowledge generously but keeps her most valuable contacts to herself.
When I eventually close my first deal, she's proud however not surprised. The utility was mutual. I got guidance and she got the satisfaction of shaping someone's career.
Wished life could always be this straightforward. It would reduce much of the messiness that comes with human connections.
Another interesting variable is Amanda is genuinely warm-hearted and doesn't immediately recognize the transactional undertone.
She's thrilled to find someone who shares her passion for real estate development, or so it seems. She opens her entire network to me, invites me to industry events and introduces me to her family. Oops.
Over months of regular contact, something begins to shift and my calculated interest evolves into genuine affection. I find myself calling to check on her sick mother and not entirely concerned with her latest property deal.
The point of the second variable, which seems a bit more complez, is utility friendships can evolve, even when they begin with calculated intentions.
More often than not, there's a fizzling out effect when the point of utility is no longer present. Say I'm out of the real estate business and have no use for industry connections anymore.
This is usually the standard way friendships of utility end, they have a life cycle that's dependent on the utility.
But of course, there are exceptions, such as the second variable with Amanda evolving beyond its transactional origins.
Irreplaceable Character
Friendship of virtue is centered around the person's character. Less easier to initiate and a bit harder to come by.
Character here doesn't necessarily imply surface personality like being funny or outgoing. It's deeper than that.
I've met this reserved young guy on one of my walks around the neighborhood. Not unusual of me to stop by at a restaurant near my walking path for a short break.
He was reading what looked like a philosophy book sitting alone at a corner table. There's something about him that I can't place my finger on, which seems to transcend the sense of reason I usually apply to new encounters.
We struck up a conversation when I noticed he was reading Marcus Aurelius. Good chance for small talk about Stoicism which gradually revealed layers of his character that drew me in as we ended up talking about tech overlords and YouTube feeds, travelling to the countryside, getting heartbroken, when WW3 will begin and many unimportant yet insightful topics.
He spoke about ideas with passion and possessed that rare quality of being fully present in conversation without the urge to perform or impress.
Over subsequent weeks, these chance encounters became intentional meetings because we found in each other a kindred spirit.
The magic of friendship of virtue is its durability, as it doesn't entirely depend on external circumstances or mutual utility.
I'd be hard pressed to give a single reason why I made friends with him. Looking forward to meeting him again. Be it next week or next month. The character is just irreplaceable.
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