Want To Lose Weight? BUY CRYPTO!

[Start heavy metal face-melting bass solo]

Couldn't stay away from that cake? Doubled down on those doughnuts?

OK, so you put on weight. It's time to lose it-- and fast.

[Cut to Best Man and Bridesmaid at wedding rehearsal]

[Best Man to Bridesmaid]

The wedding in Jamaica is in two weeks, and I ripped all my pants. What do I do?

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Best Man turns to 4th wall]

That's it!!

That's right! The newest sensation in weight loss is now digital!

[Bridesmaid asks 4th wall]

How's it work?

Thanks to advances in blockchain technology and cryptography, combined with the right motivations, crypto can do anything!

[Cut to graphics for next line]

Whatever you were going to buy, buy crypto instead!

[Cut to man at liquor store]

Beer money in your hand?

[Man looks and nods]

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Beer man thinks and smiles]

[Cut to woman at supermarket]

Have money in the Swear Jar?

[Woman]

Well....

[Woman blushes]

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Woman thinks and smiles before exclaiming]

!@#$ YES!!

[Cut to Sad Teenager inside car]

Saved those pennies for that parking ticket?

[Sad Teenager nods at 4th wall]

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Sad Teenager rolls eyes]

`BUY CRYPTO!`

Want proof? Ask these people:

[Cut to Dancer]

Before buying crypto, I couldn't do the Hokie Pokie. Now I dance like Prince!

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Cut to Man on Street]

Before, I couldn't be seen at the beach. After buying crypto, now I'm a stripper!

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Cut to Empty Nest Parents]

Thanks to crypto, last month we lost 30 pounds!

`BUY CRYPTO!`

[Cut to heavy metal band]

Do it now! Buy crypto today, and buy crypto every day!

[End heavy metal face-melting bass solo]

Disclaimers

[Spoken by female attorney at 200 words per minite]

● This post is for satire and parody purposes only.
● Not considered financial advice.
● Not considered health or medical advice.
● Examples shown are not typical.
● Must be 18 and over to buy cryptocurrency.
● "BUY CRYPTO!" not meant for use with shitcoins.
● Not your keys, not your cryptocurrency.
● D.Y.O.R. It means "Do Your Own Research."
● Not possible in some jurisdictions.
● You can't beat City Hall.
● Weights in text stated in Imperial. Weights in images stated in Metric. Use math to find your favored equivalent.
● Scale not included.

● If you liked this post, please give it an upvote. ● Please reblog or re-Hive this post if you found it useful. ● If there are corrections or clarifications I need to make concerning post content, let me know in a comment so I can update the post and give you credit for the correction.

About Hive account@magnacarta
My main focus is cryptocurrencies from a number of angles (educational, commentary, observations, even pop culture). A secondary focus is sharing my discoveries about the world of Hive Social. Most of my posts can be found at these two locations: * LeoFinance : @magnacarta * Proof of Brain : @magnacarta For posts I make at other tribes or communities, start here to locate them : * Ecency: @magnacarta/posts Follow me at this D.Buzz-only account : * D.Buzz: [https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz] (https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz)-- note the ."buzz" at the end! I also expect Festivus to take off in popularity in the coming years.

About Hive account@magnacarta

My main focus is cryptocurrencies from a number of angles (educational, commentary, observations, even pop culture). A secondary focus is sharing my discoveries about the world of Hive Social.

Most of my posts can be found at these two locations:
* LeoFinance : @magnacarta
* Proof of Brain : @magnacarta

For posts I make at other tribes or communities, start here to locate them :
* Ecency: @magnacarta/posts

Follow me at this D.Buzz-only account :
* D.Buzz: [https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz] (https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz)-- note the ."buzz" at the end!

I also expect Festivus to take off in popularity in the coming years.