7 a.m. Saturday, we are standing at the temple, which has been meeting the dawn here for more than 500 years. I'm not sure that God gets up so early, although we came here for him. My son's baptism will take place today. Not a bad day for holiness.
I wouldn't say that I believe in this particular God, in such a way as the servants of this place see him. I like a more human guy, with whom you can negotiate without rituals. Polytheism is even more attractive, you have to negotiate with the individual spirits of each stone and puddle. In extreme cases, you have a chance to fill the face of these pranksters.
Anyway, when you have your first child, you are ready to participate in any mess, if he gets +10 to protection.If guardian angels are handed out here, why not shove your principles a day deeper. Especially if it helps your wife sleep more peacefully.
As my old people say "it's a sin to complain", that I had to come here so early. My best friend agreed to become a godfather. He was crying with happiness when I told him… or maybe he was crying because he will have to leave at 3 am, from a neighboring city on Saturday. In my opinion, this is how true friendship is tested.
And so, we are inside. Gold, frescoes, stained glass, very beautiful, very rich. I'm a little tense. It seems to me that the locals see right through me. At any moment, one of them will point a finger at me and squeal "Burn the heretic"!
But no, we successfully passed the security post, my six-month-old partner is distracting attention to himself.
We go to the main room where the sacrament of baptism will take place, we are met by the Holy Father, who will lead the ceremony. At this moment, the joke that a friend told me 10 minutes ago flashes in my brain:
«What is the size of the priest's bed?... Come on, every kid knows that!»
I hate this asshole and I smile. It seems that the Holy Father felt whose soul is the blackest here, his stern gaze burns.
The ceremony has begun, the five of us are standing in front of the altar and the Holy Father, I’m holding my little devil in my arms. This is strange, according to the ceremony, his godfather should hold him, but the priest is silent. Perhaps, this is my first punishment for seditious thoughts.
We listen attentively to his deep holy voice, he asks each of us why we came here today, but constantly looks at me.I’ve read somewhere, that they began to ask a lot of questions after they baptized a bunch of murderers in the gangster years, for money.
The last question: did everyone wear crosses to the ceremony today? Shooot, I haven't worn it for the last 20 years. It turns out that even my 14-year-old sister came with it. Come on! At 14 she is dressed as the first fan of Satan.
I'm not so blasphemous as to lie on this important day in such a place, so I answer "nope". I begin to mumble excuses quietly: "my cross is in my soul... God is always in my heart...I'm sorry".
Strike One.
The stage of renunciation of Satan has come. I doubt that my son managed to make any vows to him. All he can do with his mouth is a few vowels and big bubbles of drool… but you never know, maybe it was the language of the devil.
At some point, the Holy Father interrupts the prayer and gives us a separate comment on what we renounce further, it was very ... modern. When my son grows up, I have to explain to him that he can't do yoga, martial arts and something else as ancient and spiritual. Our motto: Orthodox sports only (axe throwing, fist fighting and horse racing)! I hope that other denominations, without the Jewish God, will accept my boy despite his unconscious past. I look at my wife accusingly…
After that, the Holy Father asks if there are any godparents and parents who have practiced forbidden arts. He looks at me again. Mayday-Mayday! Flagship cruiser knocked out! I was fond of kyokushin for 3 years and love sushi. The priest shakes his head disapprovingly and at the same time spiritually.
Strike Two.
We’ve been standing for 40 minutes, my toddler is a little tired of sitting in my arms and starts active movements. At this time, the Holy Father is at the peak of his form, he reads one prayer after another and breaks Eminem's Godzilla record. At the end of each prayer, everyone repeats the sacred gesture- cross himself. I am proud of them, they do everything correctly and on time. But, our dream-team (me and son) are a little off pace… it's difficult when you're holding a 10 kilogram bomb on your hands.
At one point, I get a kick in the stomach and confuse the sequence of movements with my hand, I make a reverse cross. You've already guessed? That’s right, the Holy Father is looking at me exactly at this moment. The cross in his hand looks quite heavy and dangerous…
Strike Three.
The rest of the ceremony passed without incident. My baby defused the situation a little when he began to actively dive into the font. Well done, son, we have been training in swimming since birth for such show-offs. Everyone is smiling, everyone is happy, now he has a guardian angel. I hope we got a tuff and responsible guy up there.
The Holy Father says goodbye to everyone, but keeps his eyes on me. With my poor eyesight, only on the third attempt I notice that he signals me to go through that strange dark door behind the altar. The hour of reckoning has come…
The heavy door closes behind me. I heard the lock clicked? It's very gloomy here, I can't see what is on the walls, crucifixes or whips? Is there a Spanish boot in the corner? The churchman sits down opposite me and sighs heavily, I can hear the nostalgia for the Inquisition in this sigh.
-And so, my son. Today is a blessed and great day for all of us, now the innocent soul of your son is under the care of the Lord. But…
My heart stops. In the "relationships" column in glossy magazines, they write that everything said before "But" does not matter.
- …But it seemed to me that you don't believe enough to become a good example for your son on this path. This is a serious problem.
I silently wait for the continuation, I see no reason to make excuses that I missed training in Orthodoxy, this is not my favorite discipline. He is also silent. It seems that he just assigned me another sin – stupido. Something in his appearance changes, spirituality recedes a little and he becomes like an ordinary human.
- I'll tell you as it is. In your case, for the sacrament of baptism to take place, I think that we will need to pray for your soul additionally. Several times, Many times. And it would be very Christian of you to make donations for our efforts. Understand?
Well, finally, we have returned to worldly entities, I understand this language perfectly.
- Thank you, Holy Father, for coming forward. How much?
- $45 will be enough.
- Good. I think I'll buy another Bible at the church shop, just to be sure?
- Deal. God with you, my son.
Thanks God, we chose not the most expensive religion…