Another night with my thoughts... another sleepless midnight to swim in the past, to wish things over, to pray, to self-evaluate, to visualize, to dream and to "jot fings down!" lol.
Well that's what I do when I can't sleep. But I'm not sleeping 'cause I actually slept in the afternoon... so you know how that can be.
(clears throat)
Tonight, I've been thinking about my past relationships and how things went wrong, what exactly happened??? Was it me, was it him? Am I in a better place? I’m the kind of person that actually learns from broken relationships, even mere friendships. So I like to do this, I observe a lot and I'm kind of sensitive. So for my last relationship, I broke it! Even with all the pressures around me to settle down, I broke it! I had to because it was unhealthy and I value happiness and peace of mind. My happiness is sacrosanct! My principle is; if it's not working, end it! When you’ve tried to fix it, and it's still not working, my dear don’t force it, just end it! Okay let me gist you about what happened in my last relationship.
For the sake of anonymity, I'll replace my ex's name with John. John and I started off as friends; I met him through a mutual friend. The first time we met was in his church, he's a church guy… lol! A choir ministry leader (sips tea) Anyway, all was going well till he asked me out. That didn't sit well with me 'cause he had told me he just got out of a 6 years relationship and he was clearly still hurting, well that's if he was being honest. But he persuaded me, he convinced me he was done and over the relationship. So I agreed. oh I wish I didn't! Well, it was going well... till he began to change and that's how the shipwreck started. I would call and ask why he's so distant but he'll come up with flimsy excuses about work and life challenges; damn red flags!!
What wrecked it? It was a long distance relationship, his ex was still in the picture and he was cheating, he was manipulative, the friend that introduced him to me tried to come in-between us a couple of times, he was a lair, a hypocrite; everything he preached against was what he did. I won't lie; I was really hurt because I really respected him, his status and all... I saw how his church members and colleagues regard him highly, how they seek his advice and trust his opinion. I guess I was gullible, trusted him too soon. I never 'experererrit!' lol! omo! I was heartbroken. I can’t say much but that's the brief summary of how my last relationship went.
Why am I telling u this right? I really want to share some lessons from my past experience with you and I can’t fully do that if you don't get the picture. I know there are some young gullible people out here who need this. So here you go... thank me later. 😜
Firstly, let me talk about REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS. You really shouldn't go into a rebound relationship, 98% of them end in diamond premium tears. Wait, do you even understand what a rebound relationship is? According to what I read on an Insider blog post, "a rebound relationship can occur when someone is dating a new person without being entirely over their ex. Those in a rebound relationship may feel like their relationship is moving very fast or their partner isn't committing to plans."
Rebound relationships usually don't last as a result of one partner's emotional instability and the desire to find a distraction from a painful heartbreak. I believe this was totally the scenario I was in. I made a mistake... it’s not like I didn't know but he really really convinced me he was ok, and I was stuck already. Sometimes, we are in denial of the truth, we don't want to accept the truth. You should always stay true to yourself no matter what! If you just got your heart broken, you should really take a break to heal on your own, be happy by yourself, find yourself again before getting into another relationship, 'cause you might just hurt someone else and even hurt yourself more, believe me. You should never start a new relationship if you're not over the last one. Read books, do fun stuff, use that time to focus on you! Your happiness shouldn't come from another person, Happiness is found within.
Another issue was the LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. Totally not a fan anymore. I believe time physically spent with each other has a way of building a stronger bond and a lasting relationship. Regardless of the fact that it works for some people, that is, people who are strongly willing to make it work, they go the extra mile; the often long distance travelling, phone calls, texting, skyping, sexting and what have you, it really can’t work for people like me; for instance I don't like being stalked with calls.
In addition, if you're doing this long distance thingy, make sure it's not one sided, in a way, mine was. I was the only one doing the traveling. The calls were okay. But I feel if anyone cares so much about you, they should also be willing to travel miles to see you. I only gave him an excuse because I had more free time. Self deceit... lol! In denial of the truth again. Sometimes we know the truth but we still stay cooking up one excuse or the other until we get our hearts broken. Hmm... I'm not doing that anymore though, sticking to the truth, 'cause gurrrl! I have seen the light! lol! Basically what I'm trying to say is know what works for you, and shine your eyes!
Moving on to COMMUNICATION. In any relationship, proper communication is as vital as eating to survive. Couples should learn to properly express their feelings, desires and needs. Communication entails your ability to listen; to comprehend what your partner says, verbally or non-verbally (body language). You should be able to talk about everything and anything without letting your ego get in the way. Share your observations, problems and expectations. Know what your partner wants. I’m saying this because I realize John was not really communicating at a point… until I made him talk and I would say it’s part of what affected us.
Discovering your Love Language and that of your partner is also an important part of communication. Gary Chapman highlighted five love languages in his book ‘The 5 Love Languages - The Secret to Love that Lasts’ which includes; words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, act of service and receiving gifts. I would advise you read the book to be more enlightened on this but I will write another post on this, definitely a story for another day. You can download the E-book here https://sites.google.com/view/download-books-online/books/The-5-love-languages-pdf
My love language is receiving gifts and act of service. For me, giving is a symbol of love as well as doing nice things for me, like helping me carry out the garbage or doing the dishes. Giving really gets to me no matter the cost of what is given; it is the thought that matters. So I’ll put that as my numero uno without undervaluing the other love languages because they are also important to me. Dr. Chapman also said in his book that every person has a Love Tank. In short, every couple has. Positive experiences like emotional support and physical affection are what fill up the love tank and it is drained by negative experiences such as unnoticed efforts and conflicts. Couples need to actively maintain a healthy love tank to achieve a lasting relationship, by imbibing the act of loving intentionally, listening to each other, being supportive and creating quality time to spend with each other. Knowing and communicating with each other's love language also fuels your love tank. With John, the tank was drained.
UNFAITHFULNESS was also one of the negative experiences that drained my love tank with John. It infuriates me how cheating is seen now as a global norm. I firmly assert that it shouldn’t be accepted as such. As a woman, I will not accept it and I believe we still have faithful people like me out there. If I can do it, why can’t you? Must you cheat??? Ugh! What’s the fun in cheating? TBH, I feel it’s stressful; having to lie and hide things is so stressful. The mini heart attack you have when your side 'piece' calls and your babe is about to pick it ‘cause you’re in the bathroom. Just stick to one and have peace of mind. I know sometimes we are human and we fall into temptation, but there’s a difference between being remorseful about it and enjoying it, going back to it severally. A remorseful cheating partner and an indifferent cheating partner are not the same. It’s okay to forgive the former, if genuine. I caught John red handed, but he still blatantly denied it, oh I was furious but I controlled it, stayed calm and ended it because he wasn’t remorseful. He lost my trust, love and respect and I just couldn’t hold on to the relationship any longer.
LOVE, TRUST and RESPECT are vitals in any relationship. For Trust, Don’t be quick to give it out, it should be earned with time; not forced. People are not really what they seem to be till you get closer. John wasn't who I thought he was, I trusted him too soon.
Concerning respect, how you're perceived in the beginning of a relationship is how you'll be treated all through. Set your standards right and let them accept you for who you are. Whatever you see your partner do that makes you feel uncomfortable, you should let them know ASAP instead of holding it in. Don't pretend to please anyone because it will come back and sting you in the behind. You really shouldn't allow someone take you for granted. I know being in love can make one really vulnerable; you're scared that you might lose the one you love if you stand up for what is right. But we should try to awaken our senses when the heart is trying to be foolish. If the person you love isn't giving you the respect you deserve, maybe they ain't worth loving, they don't deserve you. Love with your heart but don't suspend your brain. There's another awesome person out there, waiting to love you just the way you are like never before. Trust me!
Most of what I have said earlier encompasses TRUE FRIENDSHIP; love, respect, trust, loyalty, acceptance and compromise. Let friendship be the foundation of your relationship. You are meant to accept each other for who you individually are, no one is perfect! Everyone comes with their good and bad sides, just find someone whose bullshit you can deal with. Be able to meet in the middle about some conflicting desires, to let some things go; to make compromises in order to keep the relationship going. Be teachable as well, take to corrections, be a good listener. If things are not going well, take out time to reflect and talk it out with your partner, not with anyone else. If you really have to talk to someone else, make sure the person is mature enough to keep your matters private. You really don't want your partner and your relationship disrespected. You should also note that not all advices are meant to be taken. Learn to think; filter whatever relationship advice you get from someone else. They are not in the relationship with you and they might not really understand. Sometimes the advice you get outside is what will totally ruin your relationship. So, I personally prefer you talk whatever it is out with your partner. No one has to know. A good relationship is not only about the fun it entails, if you want it to work you have to be intentional about it.
At this point in my life, I'm really grateful for my past experiences because it has helped me to become a better person and know exactly what I want. I took a break to breathe and renew. Right now, I'm in a better place, with a better person and things are working out just fine. I am happy I'm not repeating the same mistakes I made in the past and that's how it should be. We should all learn from our past experiences and that of others.
I just proof read this and I honestly can't believe I typed all this, not usually a long story writer or reader...lol!
So I'll drop my pen here ending it with a quote from Whitney Houston's song; 'I Will Always Love You'
"... and I wish you Joy and Happiness,
but above all this, I wish you Love."
xoxo!
_Peggy.