"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
— Lewis B. Smedes
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Allowing an offender to go scot-free is what I see as forgiveness. That person might have caused you pain or grief, either intentionally or unintentionally. Forgiveness has to do with letting go, and it's not so easy. I think it is worse if one has to always see the person around or if it is a recurring thing. From experience, recurring offenses over time can just get ignored and seen as just someone having a bad habit, so you probably stay away from the person. But today, I want to talk about that one-time experience that hurts so deeply. This might be a heartbreak, loss of a loved one, losing one’s job, losing a huge opportunity, etc.
Forgiving in this kind of situation varies. Some do forgive, while others don’t or do after a long time. Well, I have realized that not forgiving puts one in a cage, but that doesn’t mean we should just expect it to come along that easy. Forgiving the offender or situation is an aspect that at least you can identify and know by yourself; that is, whether you have forgiven or not. But the challenge comes in when you have forgiven the person or situation, yet you haven’t forgiven yourself.
I was once hurt by a friend, and I chose to stay away for some time so this person could realize how bad I felt. We resolved the issue, and I sincerely knew that I forgave the person. In this case, it was not so bad that I should still give some space even after forgiving, so we still related as friends. But, I noticed I was unreasonably harsh towards the person to the extent that I was using harsh words, more like I wanted the person to feel hurt… it's quite complicated. I had to confide in another friend, and through our discussion, I realized that I had not forgiven myself for allowing that person to hurt me. That is when I got total freedom.
The process of forgiving oneself has to do with being honest with yourself, taking full responsibility for your contribution to the situation yet not condemning yourself, doing a critical assessment of the situation rationally, making positive self-confessions, and talking to someone about it, just like I did. If it is something to make amends for, then go ahead. Like in my own case, I had to go back and apologize for the way I reacted.
In the issue of forgiveness, it is harder to look inward than outward. Be patient with yourself because that’s where true freedom is. This is where you experience the true power of letting go.
Ciao!