I am pathetic with routines, they stress me out. Also, the comebacks are hard.
You need to amass a lot of energy to confront your own self. The underlying slouch and irresponsible you.
I want to be good at writing, and photography, and design and finance and many other things.
And I have failed to keep up with most of them. Most of the times.
Sometimes life happened. Sometimes I craved to learn something new that intrigued me. And at others I have been a potato sack. Literally.
But here I am again. This restart could have been a few weeks ago. But I went on a 10 days vacation. And returned yesterday. To channel my contemplation and preserved energies into things I like and love.
(sounds of cog-wheels)
I started publishing my thoughts at 'Hive' 6 months ago. Before this, Indians didn't have a platform where the actual value of their work and interaction can be recognized as a writer.
But since 'Medium' is now officially available for Indian writers, I will be publishing my content there too. This is also my first 'Medium' post.
I will try not to obsess over publishing.
So it remains fun and free and enjoyable. Rather than a compulsion or duty.
And I don't suffer from panic attacks for not publishing anything for a week.
Though pros advice to publish everyday for more exposure. But is writing just about saying things? Or also about things worth saying?
I don't know. For now, I want to keep it light. Let it flow and manifest in a subtle, steady form.
Writing is hard and writing everyday is harder.
It might come easy to some.
Writing is not just splashing random colors on a blank canvas. Its not abstract.
Good writing is like painting consciously. With precision. Taking care of the edges.
Great writing is like sculpting. Its chipping off until just the very necessary is left.
I want to be a great writer. But I am so slow. Distracted. And pathetic with routines.
But do we ever become what we want to be?
When I was a teen, I wanted to be an adult. Desperately.
And today, 9 years into officially becoming an adult I want to be a kid again. More than anything.
During 8th grade once our teacher asked what we wanted to be.
“Software Engineer” I said. I thought more girls of my class would like me if I would say that.
Weird, lol. I know, I was weird back then.
May be I still am.
Then in 10th grade I aspired to be a CA. A corporate professional in 12th. An Entrepreneur during college. And many more things in between.
Whereas I ended up becoming a sales guy, an investment banker, a self learned digital artist and a freelancer.
Our desires and expectations from ourselves keep on evolving as we grow and change.
While I was trying to become someone specific, there was always a reorientation happening in the backend.
Will I ever become the person I want to be?
I am not sure.
Life is a pursuit. There always remain some kind of betterment you can crave.
Not just occupational. It can be spiritual, physical, social or of any other kind.
Becoming what we want to be in any aspect of life is short lived. For a moment it is there. Then suddenly its nowhere.
And if we will try to cling to it, we will either hang ourselves or die with boredom.
Having no life purpose or nothing worth to pursue is psychologically disturbing for us.
Probably thats why this world needs spiritual practices.
As it can only be possible with real contentment and detachment. At the point where we stop expecting any change in or from ourselves.
Which sounds impractical for majority of humans including me.
Contentment is not in the DNA of humans. Here's how ‘Jiddu Krishnamurti’ defined it beautifully.
“CONTENTMENT IS NEVER THE OUTCOME OF FULFILLMENT, OF ACHIEVEMENT, OR OF THE POSSESSION OF THINGS; IT IS NOT BORN OF ACTION OR INACTION. IT COMES WITH THE FULLNESS OF WHAT IS, NOT IN THE ALTERATION OF IT.”
So have I become what I wanted to be? Yeahh may be for a day or two. And in certain parts but never the whole of it.
And then suddenly I wanted to be something else, always.
May be this is how it is about life.
What do you think?
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