The last few days, I have found myself getting very emotional, as I feel my old life slip away. I have been sorting out all my things and I have come across a few keepsakes, from past chapters of my life. Pictures, letters, jewelry and even some snake skin, all which transport me to another time and place.
Small twisted pieces of wood, from some of my favorite forests and a piece that I held onto during the birth of my first daughter. It really helped to keep me focused, as I tried so hard to surrender to the process. But At some point I dropped it and in the end I birthed my daughter in hospital after my midwife transferred me there. Quite symbolic, I think!
Even though I live pretty much surrounded by nature, I surround myself with wood, stones, pieces of cactus and feathers in my home. These are my most important keepsakes, my beautiful reminders of where I have come from.
The snake skin, is from here, I found it one day out walking and automatically picked it up. I send pieces of it, to my sister every time I posted her CBD oil. It protected the oil and always ensured its delivery. When my sister passed away and I was going through some of her things, I found it all together in a beautiful red cloth bag. So I took it back across the water with me, just as I brought her back with me.
I guess it is pretty obvious at this stage, where some of the emotions came from. I miss her so much and moving onto this next stage of my life, feels somewhat strange without her. She would always be the first one, to know of my plans. For sure, I keep talking to her, but I miss her talking to me, I miss how she made me laugh and how she teased me.
I have tears running down my face now, as I write this. I have cried a lot these past few days, always, when I have been alone. Sometimes it’s the music, or a memory I get, like finding a stone from my sisters favorite beach. Other times, it’s at the end of the day, as I process what I have got done and make plans for what has yet to come.
It’s no small feat, packing up your life, selling your home and moving to a new place.
There are all these small jobs in the truck, that I never got round to doing, but now I am, as I prepare to leave her. It’s bittersweet really. It makes me wish that I took the time to give her some tlc, before this. But those small jobs, always seem to be bigger than they actually were. My days are usually full, that anything extra, just means other things pile up and then I just end up trying to catch up with everything that needs doing.
But taking the time to go through all our stuff has been good. I’m amazed at how much I have given away and still our truck is not empty. I have some very good memories in this space and some heartbreaking ones, enough to turn anyone bitter.
I have raised my children in this horse box, but I also lost one, when I suffered a miscarriage during our travels in Morocco. That was my very first experience of real heartbreak. I literally fell to pieces and for a while, I was not sure, if I could become whole again. Having my two daughters around me, was what put me back together.
