The most terrifying and beautiful experience
This year I made a plan to do one mushroom trip a month. Psychedelic mushrooms have the ability to heal your brain by connecting neural pathways that have been damaged and create new neural connections in your brain. There are many health benefits to doing these sacred substances and my goal for the year is to repair the damage that has been done to my brain from pharmaceutical medications and work through the traumas of life.
Prior to yesterday's trip, the most I had ever done was 4 grams. I have done several smaller trips and had good experiences with all of them. I was really nervous about upping the dose to 5 grams and as I was preparing everything for the trip, I opened up my mushrooms and measured out 5 grams in advance because I had a feeling that when the time came that I wanted to start the trip, I would only do 4 grams. So I just wanted to make sure that I had it all ready so that there was no chickening out.
I prepared for this journey by eating a light breakfast, hydrating and then fasting for the rest of the day. I prepared the space I was going to be in. I set up black lights, tapestries and a painting of a mermaid that my wife made. We have two singing bowls that I set up in the room as well so that my wife can play them and I can listen to and feel the vibration off of them. I spent time setting up a playlist of music and searched around on YouTube for some videos to watch during my trip.
At 12:45 in the afternoon, I ate the 5 grams. Then my wife and I went out on a walk. It usually takes around 30 minutes before I feel the effects of the mushrooms and the route we walk takes us along a canal and then up to a park, then we make our way back. It normally takes around 22 minutes to complete the walk, so I figured it would be plenty of time.
As we got back from our walk, I could feel the effects start to creep in. It hits me in the chest at first. It feels like there is a pit in your stomach and then you feel a vibration building in your stomach and chest. When this started, I went into my office and sat down at my computer to begin watching some videos.
I was trying to navigate my computer and things started to get really weird. My screen started breathing at me and when I tried to move the mouse around, my arms felt really long and the mouse felt so far away. I clicked on a video from Savej and settled in to start watching it. I think I made it about 3 minutes into the video when my entire body was vibrating so hard. Then the world begin to fold in on itself and reality began to tear away.
The video I was watching was full of trippy visuals, but when I looked around the room, everything was beginning to get really weird. These effects were coming on fast and hard and I knew I was not going to be able to sit here and I needed to get to my room and lay down. It was very disorienting as I made my way to the safety of my room. Fractal patterns began to appear on the edges of everything and they seemed to grow and spread. I turned on some music and laid down and tried to relax and breath into the experience.
There was no relaxing into this and I began to question why I did this to myself. Reality was ripping away and the world looked nothing like it was supposed to. Everything I was looking at began to glitter and there were rainbows of color shooting around the room. Things began to get very overwhelming because the sounds began to echo and repeat. My music sounded strange and otherworldly to me. I could see vibration and feel the vibration of the world. I looked at my hands at they were vibrating very fast and were blurry. It looked like I had about 8 fingers on each hand and they were made out of snakes. As they vibrated, I shook them to try and get them back to normal.
I think I was in the room for about 20 minutes when my wife came in and checked on me. She knew I was not doing good and that this experience was beginning to overwhelm me. When she was in the room, I felt safe as everything I knew about reality was imploding in on itself. She laid on the bed with me and just held onto me while I felt like I was having a panic attack. My entire body was cold and trembling and it was impossible to be still and I would just shake as the pulses of vibration shot through my entire body.
One thing that you want to do before a mushroom trip is to set an intention. My intention for this trip was to let go of the sense of control that I feel I need on everything that I do. I try and control every aspect of what I do and it feels like OCD or something. So to relinquish control go against everything that I know. Well, this mushroom trip was definitely showing me that I had absolutely zero control over any that was happening.
Psychedelic mushrooms have the ability to allow you to go deep within yourself. When I was able to relax a bit and really dig deep within myself, it felt like time stopped and I was just existing as a ball of energy. I had no body and I began to lose all sense of who I was and even what I was. I began to think about the human experience we are all having here on earth. Then I had a strong sense that we are eternal beings that have been around for a very long time and will continue to be around living different lives and having different experiences.
Then I began to think about this life I am having now and everything that I have been through. All throughout my life, I wore a mask to make it through one trial to another and life just seemed to continuously kick me and my family down. I thought about how we all just want to make it through this life and we are all just wanting happiness. As I was thinking about all of this, the visuals I was seeing were insane and made zero sense to me. It was like my reality was being generated by some AI and was being created as I looked at it.
Then I broke. I could feel strong suppressed emotions building up in me and I began to cry. I remember hearing myself cry and I thought how weird it was to hear me crying like I was a child again. I just held onto my wife really tight and cried as I thought about how proud I am of myself for navigating through this life and dealing with all of the shit that was dealt to us. Then I thought about how beautiful this experience of life is and that is why we do it everyday. In that moment, I knew that we as otherworldly beings knew what we were in for when we agreed to come to earth for this human experience and that our purpose is to love each other and learn from our experience here and help each other make it through this life.
The intense emotions and visuals would come in waves and they lasted around 4 hours before calming down enough to where I could begin to enjoy the experience and process what I was going through. 5 grams is a very intense dose and I do not think I will do that high of a dose for a while. But I made it through the experience and even though it was terrifying, it was also beautiful. My reality completely dissolved and nothing made sense to me, but I just kept reminding myself that everything I was experiencing was because my brain was working in overdrive. Everything I was seeing was the result of connections being made in my brain and my neurons firing like crazy.
This life we are living is a beautiful creation. We are ancient beings and it was nice to connect back to our source and have this little reminder. So as you make your way through today, just remember to slow down, and don't try and control every aspect of what happens to you. We are here for a short time in this life. Spend it bringing joy and happiness to others. Love is the strongest force in the universe.