Solitude is independence.
- Hermann Hesse -
I sank down a little lower on the chair, raised the book I was reading a little higher and tried to look as much like someone else as I could. I deployed my face-rearrangement-strategy which adjusted my face into what I'd hoped looked plain, nondescript, unremarkable and unrecognisable. For all I knew it contorted my face into a (more) hideous visage than usual however, even should that be the case, I hoped it was enough to remain unnoticed. It was not.
"What's wrong with your face G-dog?" The question came from directly in front of where I sat hid in the corner of the café.
I looked up, lowered the book and resisted the urge to look around behind me to indicate I wasn't certain it was I that was being addressed. Realising it was too late and the charade had failed, I rearranged my face back into what passes as my usual face, horrific though it is, and smiled happily grimaced.
Three people stood in front of me, assholes friends of mine.
"Hey champs," I said with all the warmness I could gather, which was very little. "Nothing really, sometimes it doesn't do what it's supposed to. Good to see you," I lied shamelessly.
"We've just finished up at the thing [here I've omitted what they were actually doing on purpose] and came over for a coffee, mind if we join you?"
Would you fuck off and leave me alone, is what I wanted to say however, "oh yeah, it'll be good to catch up for a bit," is what I said. With that I shuffled over, moved my stuff and made some room at the booth.
Those who know me well know I love solitude and actively seek it when I can. I like those moments where I can put aside everything but that which I choose to think about, or simple think about nothing.
Due to the inability to go hiking lately because of a health thing I've found it in other ways, time in a café reading and people watching is one such way. I'd come here, ordered a coffee and that legit cream-filled lamington cake you see in the image and had been enjoying one such moment until a few people I know saw me and decided to say hello intrude on my moment of solitude and peace. Damn my ineffective my face-rearrangement-strategy.
I'll be honest and say that I didn't really mind too much and am somewhat embellishing for the sake of this post however part of me was annoyed as I really find value in those moments...and need them.
It was sheer coincidence those people were in the same place at the same time and, whilst I found it a little annoying that my face-rearrangement-strategy wasn't effective, we had a coffee and chat for an hour and they went on their way. Of course, by then the place was starting to get busier and I was reluctant to stay. I packed up and headed home vowing to put more effort into my face-rearrangement-strategy in the future.
I'm not an antisocial person, I'm just comfortable with my own company and would rather not fill every moment of my day with talking and thinking; I'm happy to shift into neutral and cool my jets a little. I like to shut down, to block out societies' noise...and my own.
I'm one of those people who struggles to shut my brain off most times and I'm always very busy with a million things to do between work, social, personal and relationship commitments. I highly value those occasions when it's possible to zone out which is why I don't like those moments to be interrupted. I work hard, have very little time for myself and when I find the time to shut down I protect it fiercely, and that's why I was annoyed about being recognised and accosted in that café. [I'll concede that accosted is a strong word to use in this instance but hey, my blog, so my words.]
It wasn't a total write-off though I guess; I had a couple cups of good coffee, a very legit cake and the coincidental coffee catch-up with those people means I'll not have to do so for a while now. So, from negatives come positives I guess.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
The image is mine