Supply and demand

Occasionally something happens that leads me to wonder what people's perception of me and my life is; what they perceive doesn't matter to me of course, it's their reality not mine, however infrequently my curiosity gets the better of me and I wonder.

I'm sitting in a café writing this post, the result of a contemplation on people's expectations of me, the demand on my time, thought, emotion and actions and the demand I place upon myself to get everything done. Sometimes I wonder how I manage, and often I simply don't manage. I'm not a do it by halves sort of man though and so I push hard to ensure I'm not letting others down or compromising my honour and integrity which is so important to me.

I have a finite amount of time, I mean daily and weekly and my time on the planet is finite also right? It makes sense to get the most out of it, to do my best and to seek to continually improve as I go. I have a finite amount of emotional energy and capacity also - I've pushed those limits at times - and it's often this, more than the time-constraints, that cause a shortfall in the supply I have to offer in comparison to the demands made.

I won't list the things or people that place demands on me as I prefer to keep much of my life private. Also, most of us have demands placed on us and mine are likely no greater than anyone else's. The difference is, mine are mine.

I guess what's more relevant is how I facilitate the process of bringing it all together and what I have in place for when I feel overwhelmed, overworked or simple over it.

Again, I'll not go through them however, as it's the weekend and I'm currently engaging in one of those bringing-it-together elements right now, I thought I'd mention it.

My weekends are very important to me. There was a time when I did a job that placed massive demands on me emotionally and physically and weekends weren't something I had the luxury of enjoying and, looking back, I wonder at my ability to cope with that demand. [That's when I began to develop and deploy the mitigation techniques actually.] These days I get a weekend and it's a very important and valuable time for me. I do not like to waste weekends and whether I'm doing nothing or many things I attack it with one hundred percent of my effort.

I'm in a café right now, a place in which I often feel unreachable, and it feels good.

It's a little like a castle in which I can lock myself away, or more accurately, lock everything else out. I'm alone, and that's how I often like it as I find a greater ability to push aside the demand and focus on the supply, the things I provide to myself: Coffee, café food, anonymity and more importantly the space to think, or to not think, and the ability to simply be with myself. I'll be honest, I need it. This is something I find in abundance in the right café and whilst there's other places in which find it, hiking for instance, I love my café moments.

I can't be everything, all the time, to those who make demands of me. I spent many years doing so and a great deal counted upon it, but now...Well, there needs to be a little something left over for the G-dog. You know? If I don't apply some self-care I'll not be well-placed to apply care, to give to others.

There was a strong demand this week and it pulled me in many directions; emotionally I mean, not so much physically. I'm not sure if in people's perception I supplied the demand satisfactorily. I gave what I could though, more really, but also realised that I had a demand to make of myself...The demand for a gap, some space for me. That's what this café scenario is providing. I contemplated the week, thought about the demands made of me and prioritised their importance to those demanding it and myself; the result was the understanding that it was all very important...but so am I and so I find a supply for my demand.