There is an idea that has been spread for many years and this idea has caused a lot of damage to relationships, family and brotherhoods. This idea is the very popular cliche known as forgive and forget. I believe that this idea is unrealistic in its literal sense, leading to so many heartaches being experienced over and over again.
To forgive is to let go of an offense along with the offender, treating him or her as not guilty.
In other words, it could be said to be wiping the slate clean. As much as I stand in full support of forgiveness and all it stands for, I don't buy into the idea of forgetting in its literal sense because no human has the capacity to erase anyone's memory.
The idea behind forgive and forget is aimed at telling the offender party not to recollect the offense but isn't that a slap to our human intelligence?
Our brains have been wired in a way that it can store up memories for a long period of time. It doesn't erase memories, rather, the brain can lock up a memory if the will of its owner is strong.
When we use the word forget, it is not the absence of the memory rather forgetfulness is just a displacement of that memory for a time. Once something jogs the memory, the brain will recollect and the person would remember what it was that was forgotten.
What's the real deal?
I believe that the focus behind forgiveness is letting go of the negative emotions that would stir up wrath, bitterness, resentment and a need to revenge. This is what true forgiveness really means.
It means that I look at my offender but I no longer feel the hurt I once felt whenever I recall the offense. It is only when we get to this point that we can truly say that we have forgiven and forgotten. The role of forgetting is not to erase the memory of the offense rather it is to release the negative emotions that came as a result of the offense.
How do you know you have moved on?
I know I have moved on when I can recall the offense but not the hurt or pain I felt when I was initially hurt. The fact here is that you need to remember the offense so as not to fall victim again and again to such offenses.
We are not spirits, we are human beings with highly advanced brains and faculties. Once you were betrayed, the memory of that betrayal should guide you not to fall victim a second time, if not, one would be regarded as a fool who never learns.
Ever heard the proverb ….
Once beaten, twice shy?
This is just the case with our memory. To be sure that you have moved on, you need to accept that the offender wronged you then you need to get past that idea that it was your fault. Don't take responsibility for something you had no control over.
I used to live like this, putting all the blame on myself when someone offends me until I realized that they chose to do what they did to me and it wasn't my fault. From then on, I got past the idea of the hurt, forgave them and determined within me to live my life well. Only by doing this did I finally move on.
Did I forget their offense and betrayals towards me? The answer is no. I still remember it clearly. In fact, I even use those memories as illustrations to guide young ones around me. What I forgot was the hurt I felt at the initial stage of the offense.
While forgiveness comes with many benefits, it is sometimes a difficult thing to do and it is sometimes also not instantaneous. Depending on the degree of hurt caused, you might need ample time to really think things through, she'd those tears and wake up to reality before you can say that you have forgiven the offender.
Unforgiveness might seem pleasurable but its effects are damaging. Unforgiveness is like you taking poison but expecting the one who hurt you to die instead. That's simply being foolish. The best way to get back at the one who might have harmed or hurt you is to live your life well. Let your results speak for you like evidence in a court of law.
To really live life to the fullest, you don't need to be dragging around extra baggage (unforgiveness). Let the pain, hurt and negative emotions go. That's the right way to truly forget but learn from the memory. Use it as a stepping stone for a better life.
As long as we live and interact with other humans, offences will come. You set yourself free when you choose to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't usually mean reconciliation. If the relationship needs to be cut off for your peace of mind, then by all means do it but walk free without a shred of guilt in your heart.
Thank you Al for reading. This is my entry to the #hivelearners initiative for week178e02.
Images used are mine.