This topic is coming at the best time, given the phase I am currently at in my life. I have been thinking a whole lot and beating myself up for a lot of things lately. Fairly, I have also been thinking if I am actually being too hard on myself or if all my thoughts and self-scoldings are actually necessary. I think there can be a very thin line between both. If I feel like I am being too hard on myself, it will lead me to giving myself some grace. While that is a good and healthy thing, it could actually make me kind of relaxed without even knowing it. Self-scolding, on the other hand, is like an aggressive approach to getting things done. While that might seem kind of unhealthy, it could really be a push. So, I think it’s about the way you perceive these things.
I was still thinking about my life today and how I felt I should be way beyond where I am currently. Yes, I know I am not where I used to be, and I have grown so much. However, I know I am capable of so much more and also, I do not want to live an average life. I want to do every single thing I am scared of and follow all of my dreams. I don’t want to be on my deathbed saying I wish I had done that and that. I want to speak at events, lead communities, and be a strong figure of successful women in society.
If I want all of that, I have to do more, obviously. More than everything I am doing right now, even though those things feel so overwhelming already. If you asked me on a surface level, I would criticize myself so much and rant about how I am not doing so much. But if you happen to ask me on a deeper level, I would tell you how tired my entire soul is from doing so much at the same time, thinking about so much, looking for ways to fulfill my dreams, trying to survive, and balance myself. I would explain how exhausted I am and how I am actually trying all I can, even as tired as I am.
When my life doesn’t go as planned, it hurts me so much! Especially when I have put so much into it and given it my best or something close to it. In fact, it discourages me from taking on newer challenges, and that is one thing I am trying to work on personally. I want to learn how to navigate through disappointments and just try again and again. Because honestly, I do believe everyone does get their lucky days.
Generally, I think I can be very hard on myself most times but honestly, I don’t know how not to be. I have to constantly push myself to do more, but maybe I will try to give more grace while doing that. It will all surely get better, by God’s grace.