Pain is something that nobody can escape from. It doesn’t really matter who you are or what you’ve achieved in this life. Life will at any point, do well to break your heart, disappoint you and even betray you through someone you trusted.
Honestly, I used to think I was alone in this thing, but I’ve actually come to the realization that everyone carries their own story of hurt.
But what makes the difference, is how we handle it.
Mind you, I didn’t always handle mine well.
I remember one particular day. I was upset, like really upset. Someone had said something that got under my skin, and I was fuming for real.
The anger was just boiling inside of me, and I couldn’t even shake it off.
Guess what? In the middle of that storm, my boyfriend called. He wasn’t the one who caused the anger, he was just calling about something absolutely normal. But because of the way I felt, I instantly snapped. I poured out everything on him, and it wasn’t fair at all.
The moment I hung up the call, I felt the guilt. I knew deep down that I had just hurt someone who did absolutely nothing wrong to me.
And believe me that’s just how the circle of pain operates. One person hurts you, and instead of dealing with it, you push that hurt onto someone else.
But this wasn’t the only time. In fact, when I look back at my past relationships, I see how deeply pain can linger when you don’t deal with it.
I remember how my ex betrayed me, lied to me, cheated on me and left me with scars that I thought I had healed from.
I told myself I had moved on, that I was fine.
But then I stepped into a new relationship and realized I wasn’t fine at all.
The struggle to trust was so real. I doubted every word from my partner’s mouth. Even when I was being loved sincerely, I saw myself flinching, waiting for the exact moment it would all turn bad. I kept expecting to be used again, and because of that, I couldn’t fully open up.
So, without meaning to, I was just punishing someone who had never ever wronged me, just because of what somebody else did in the past.
See, pain is sneaky. You would think you’re okay until life shows you otherwise. You would think you’ve healed until your reactions prove you wrong big time.
It’s just like carrying a wound around and accidentally bleeding on people who never cut you.
And so I think accountability is key when we hurt those who don’t deserve it because of our past pain.
Because even though we didn’t choose the hurt, we do choose what we do with it. The people in our lives are not responsible for the wounds we carry around and they don’t deserve to be punished for them.
At the same time, I also believe there’s room for forgiveness. Many times, people who pass on their hurt don’t even realize what they are doing at all.
They don’t just wake up and say, “Today I’m going to make someone suffer.” It just happens because they haven’t healed yet. (And that doesn’t mean there are not wicked souls who intentionally go around frustrating innocent people.)
If such a person can truly and sincerely admit their mistake, if they can acknowledge their pain and make an effort to get better, then forgiveness becomes very possible. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it breaks the chain.
Healing is not easy as well. It takes honesty, time and a lot of courage. It’s the ability to say, “I’m not okay yet,” and giving yourself space to process the pain instead of rushing into something new. It means reminding yourself that not everyone is out to hurt you and that new people deserve a fair chance to love you without carrying the baggage of your past.
The truth is, pain will always come. But whether or not we pass it on is our choice.
Because the people that love me also deserve to be loved too.
Image is mine