It has been a rough ride, learning to prioritise what matters. Being human is learning to set boundaries and understanding the importance of self-care. To ensure our growth continues to be progressive there are times we have to let go of close friends that suddenly serve as drawbacks but when it comes to doing the same to close relatives, it is easier said than done.
Over time, I have come to realise that the foundation and origin of a bond tends to determine what makes the bond stronger. There are things we are able to do to people we consider as close friends that we wouldn't dare try it our families. it is not as if the lives of those that are not our family doesn't matter to us or the relationship we have with them isn't worthy of preserving but whenever we face situation whereby we have to choose between our personal well-being and preserving relationship with people outside our family circle, letting go comes easy.
There is a way our family make us feel, no matter how burdensome our relationship can be with some of our relatives, despite knowing the best choice is to cut ties with them but then, we still choose to hold unto it no matter the cost. The bonds among families comes with mixed feelings, we might quarrel, fight but at the end of the day, we always find ways to come back together. This bond works like magic in ways I have been unable to fathom.
When the unbreakable bond suddenly becomes the one thing preventing us from progressing, what do we do about it? I have had series of fall out with lot of people over the years, people I just chose to stay away from for the sake of my mental health but it is not the same with my family. I can easily stay away from a lot of people because I can always meet another but I don't really have much option to choose from when it comes to families.
I have a very precise small family circle with just one extended family. I come from a family of 6, which happens to be my immediate family and the other part that serves as an extended family is my mom elder sister's family and the children of her late junior sister. I have no relation with any of my father's families, I can't even remember what they look like. it has been this way for decades, this small family of mine is all I know.
During festivities, we all gather as one family, we celebrate. It is hard to tell that we are a combination of two families. Blood might be the foundation of family but it is still left to each individual to choose who we accept as family and who is not. Based on our fondness for each other, over the years we have become inseparable. The funny part is that, I and my maternal cousins have different surnames but that has never stopped us from identifying as one. Despite our fondness for each other does that mean we don't quarrel, we do a lot.
But in a case one of these family of mine starts hindering my personal growth, well it is not as if it has not happened before but the thing with having families is that, over time you will learn to respect each others boundaries. I had a fall out with one of my female maternal cousins about 6 years ago, she had the habit of using other people's secret to gist with her parents, whereas she is very good at keeping hers from leaking out.
You know there are times when you just want to try something out on a low-key and see if it will work out or not before informing any of your relatives. Despite my private life, she is still one of the few people I discuss my plans with when I feel overwhelmed. The thing about my family is that, since it is made up of very small group of people news travel very fast. So occasionally she would gist about what we spoke about with her own mother and her mother would either inform mine or contact me directly. Though she was not intentionally reporting me to her mother but the effect remains the same.
Growing up, I have always been the type with lot of ideas, always trying out new things and some of it might be a little risky for my age sometimes. So immediately she informs her Mom about any of my plans and it get leaked, her Mom and mine her a mighty formidable force. They will start investigating and questioning my ideas which is something I'm not really good at.
I prefer to get things done and when I discover it works, then I feel comfortable letting others know about it but being questioned before I kick start the idea is like bad mojo for me. What makes it worse is that, I'm not really good at explaining myself, I tend to find it difficult to use words to explain some of my ideas. My mom loves being in the known, she is not a fan of uncertainties, if you want to get something done that involves risk, well you have to explain it to her in details in ways she would understand perfectly, or else the plan won't work.
The moment I discovered my cousin was the root of it, I knew confronting her would only make things worse, all I did was keep her out of my life and slowly our relationship began to dry out. She always share things about her life with me which is one of the reasons why I let her into mine but I don't speak of her business with anyone like she does with mine. She noticed that I was keeping her out but I just feigned ignorance to it.
For few months that we didn't have any good conversation, the weight of my thoughts became so heavy on my heart that it felt like I had missed therapy sessions but I didn't cave in, I learnt to manage my own thoughts without the need to rant to anyone for closure. By doing this I was able to establish new boundaries without causing any issues within the family because of this I was able to prevent fall out with her and she still offers me aid whenever I'm in need of it.
One thing I have learnt about families is that cutting them off is never easy, in fact it is messy, especially immediate families. So instead of letting them go completely like we do to friends e. t. c it is better to keep them at arms length because who ever does something to hurt you today can do something to make you happy tomorrow.
This write-up was inspired by weekly featured content titled Letting go in hive learners community.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
Image 1
Image 2
Image 3
