In every human life, the most consistent element is growth. It is not a phase of life or stage, it is something that is definite in every human life. Indeed there are different growth stages in life as we grow older and wiser we become more knowledgeable about life and our surroundings. Through the knowledge we acquire we understand our being like ever before, we discover new parts of our selves. A human being is like shelves of books, at every point in time we discover new things about our selves and it never ends.
I have been working on myself a lot lately than usual, I don't know if it is something that comes with aging but I have become more intentional with my actions like ever before, if I'm being honest an attitude of mine prompted it. Have you ever had an attitude that feels honourable but cost you what matters to you the most?
What I'm about to say has been going on for years but I became more conscious of it since 2024. If I'm being honest I will say I started paying attention to it in 2024 than any other year but I still haven't gotten full control of it. I was watching a tiktok video sometime ago it was called "The burden to pleasing others".
I have always find it difficult to say no to people even if their request will cost me dearly, it always feels like if I say no I'm letting them down, I suddenly feel guilty like I have committed a huge crime. I always want to be in the position to help people but this is different, it is like a feeling that suddenly overwhelm my mind and all I could think about is the request of the person that has requested for my help no matter the cost.
This attitude of mine made it impossible for me to prioritise myself or my peace of mind, I always feel like my needs can wait let me help out this person first, sacrificing every bit of my comfort just to ensure others don't experience discomfort. It is something that comes naturally for me, I feel like people's pain is mine, I was experiencing "excessive empathy".
Empathy is a normal feeling in every human, ability to understand thoughts, emotions and feelings of others. It is like a mechanism that gives us the ability to interpret people's emotions but when it becomes excessive you feel people's pain beyond the usual, so when someone comes to you asking for help, you would always feel inclined to help because you feel responsible for the person.
Instead of me having friends, all I had was people I was responsible for. The most annoying aspect of it was when I realised people consider it a tool to manipulate me in getting things done for them. It is not like I want to stop helping people but I want to be in control of who I help. Last year was when I started gaining a little control over it. I said no to a couple of absurd request for help and the number of people in my circle reduced greatly, then I realised that they were not around me because they cared but for what they could take from me.
Ever since last year, I kept embarking on the process of learning how to prioritise myself, my peace of mind and learning how to say no when needed. You should see how exhausted I used to feel before, after giving all I have to people and receiving no care in return. I was drained mentally to the extent I became the shadow of myself. It is so tricky how learning to say "No" could set boundaries and establish sincere relationships. The most lovable aspect of this is that it also grants me the privilege of understanding people's true intentions behind all the pretense.
This write-up was inspired by weekly featured content titled Learning/unlearning in hive learners community.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
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