Taking risks can be very draining, but one thing I learned in this past year is how to feel loved and comfortable again, I am someone who cherishes family and friends deeply, i have always put others before myself, i wanted everyone around me to be happy even when it came at the cost of my own happiness but the past year took a serious toll on me and I was forced to make a harsh decision.
I believe sacrificing my time and resources was my duty, i carried responsibilities that were never truly mine, I ignored my feelings, my health and my peace of mind, I thought silence was maturity, I convinced myself that if I kept giving, things would eventually get better.
Instead, things became worse, I became tired in ways that I couldn't sleep at night, family responsibilities is killing me and my account were getting drained, I felt sick that I couldn't do anything for two months, I was emotionally drained and mentally exhausted, my body reacted before my mind accepted the truth, I was not okay, the family burden i carried was slowly pushing me toward an early grave.
It was painful to admit that some people closest to me were hurting me, even if they did not mean to, their expectations, demands, and constant pressure were overwhelming, love should not feel like suffocation but that was exactly how I felt.
Choosing myself felt like betrayal at first, i questioned my intentions because i feared being called selfish, wicked, or ungrateful, i was scared of losing people i once thought i could not survive without but I knew that continuing like that meant losing myself completely, So I took the risk.
I chose myself over family expectations, I created distance, I cut off some people to the extent that I had to block some numbers and change my regular line, I reduced access to my life, I decided to live a healthy life without constantly thinking about the consequences.
It was not easy at all but that was one thing I could do at that moment though I missed some familiar voices even when they caused pain, Guilt followed me everywhere but slowly something changed, my mind became calmer, my body felt lighter, I slept better and I do not have to think of family problem that I was not the cause.
I learned that feeling loved does not always come from blood relations, Sometimes it comes from peace and it also comes from choosing yourself without apology, the risk taught me that boundaries are not wicked.
I learned that people who benefit from your sacrifice will not understand your healing, I learned that love should not cost your life.
If I find myself in the same situation again, I will still make the same choice, I now understand that staying silent can be more dangerous than speaking up and protecting your peace is not rebellion, It is survival.
Though some days are good while some days are heavy, I still struggle with guilt sometimes but I no longer regret my decision, that one big risk saved me, choosing myself does not mean i hate my family, It only means i value my life because I deserve to live. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is walk away from what is slowly killing you and choose yourself instead.
This is my response to this episode of Hivelearners community prompt of #HL-W198E03 which the topic is tagged ONE BIG RISK
