Haha. Glad you found your reasons to learn coding. It's okay if money is one of them but it might demotivate you. You also need to have the passion to code. But you will never know if that's true if you don't try. So go for it.

What's the simplest coding language a novice (who's a dummie as well) can start with?

I would say Python or Javascript. Have heard from many devs that both of them are easy to learn and many free tuts available online.