“When you are young, they assume you know nothing.”— cardigan by Taylor Swift
Rise and shine my gidaringgus! Welcome to another blog! This day, another era has been marked as half of our second semester has already passed by. Today was a whirlwind of emotions, especially for an overachiever like me. I'll be doing a run-through on how I felt as I received my grades and certificate. Thank you for continuously supporting my blogs. Let's start.
"Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here"- this is me trying by Taylor Swift
I don't know how to feel at the moment, to be honest. These past few days have been draining all of my energy. I've shed a lot of tears behind closed doors and shared a lot of smiles that could tell a whole story behind it. I've been silent yet I struggled to scream everything to make it worthwhile. Lately, I haven't had the energy to accomplish anything at all. As the years passed by, I acquired a lot of bad habits in studying. I often procrastinated, crammed, and slept only at midnight. I felt like I was at a huge loss because I started to put less effort, consistency, and energy into my schoolwork. I am continuously getting decent grades, grades that some are still unable to reach because they think getting to that level is already a big achievement. But for me, I still feel so unsatisfied. High school is not an easy course, especially when you belong to a Special Science Class with advanced lessons that are being taught in senior high school despite only being a junior. It's so hard to catch up to the teacher's level of understanding. I used to be such a fast learner but now, it feels so hard to simply pick up on such simple details everyone could understand, and then I end up being left behind. Let's put it into simpler words. I'm experiencing academic burnout. Ever since I was a child, I was always on top of my classes and always loved hearing praise from people regarding my excellence in it. A day wouldn't go by that I wouldn't study or prioritize my academics, especially on tests. I loved it when people would fight over me just to be in my group because they thought I was an all-rounder, and that I was capable of doing everything. I loved teaching them lessons that were hard for them to understand, so I could share my knowledge with them and we'd all grow together. When others would cheat during tests, I would scold them and tell the teacher because I was raised to always stand up for what was right. Thereafter, I became almost everyone's favorite. Well, not really since some people became my competitors and tried to brush off my self-esteem. Sometimes, they would talk bad things about me and constantly tell me to lend the top spot to them, which I did not like to hear at all. I thought that elementary was the same as high school. But boy was I wrong.
"I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this."- You're on Your Own, Kid by Taylor Swift
I think I put too much effort back into the days that I eventually tired myself out. I do not know what the specific reason is. I wish I knew. I know that if I could just focus and return to my old self, I would not regret anything at the moment, and I would be satisfied and proud of everything I did. My parents always tell me to wake up to reality that I am no longer a child, but a student who is another step to planning her future. I know that at times when I put effort into my work, I no longer feel the enjoyment of doing such that when I start to expect, I always end up becoming disappointed. I'm scared that I'll disappoint everyone who had such high hopes for me and thought everything had turned out well. The only thing I had in mind as my strength were my academics. I knew I'd feel worthless without them. I know that if I could've tried better and sorted things out, maybe I wouldn't turn out this way. It broke my heart to hear that my little brother wanted to be just like me. Someone with high grades and made everyone proud. But I don't want any single one of them to know how messed up I am right now and I'm still trying to change for the better. I know that someday, I will own up to my actions and eventually start a new life independently. I want to make something for myself and reach my dreams. But how will I do that if I don't take action now? I know it will be a long and tiring journey ahead, and things will not become easier as the days pass by. But I will try. I know for sure that I am not a natural, although I've had a lot of experience. Sometimes, you have to accept that there are others out there who can do better than you. But it doesn't give you a reason to stop trying. As TS said, "Can you see right through me?" in her song, The Archer. It means that nobody else would truly understand what you're going through but yourself, and there will eventually be a point where you'd have to survive on your own and pick up the life lessons and remaining pieces that are left of you. It's normal to feel tired because that's how humans normally feel. You should never belittle yourself for feeling that way. If you feel like trying is getting you nowhere, then don't allow yourself to just try, but take the risk and go for it. They say the pathways you cross aren't the journey, but it is life itself. I know that everything I am feeling right now will eventually pass and I will continuously believe so, even if failures keep coming to me. I will not let them throw me off like a ball, continuously bouncing in a never-ending match and doing nothing while people are watching. I will prove to others and myself that I am worthy of earning something for myself. Even if I get tired and hopeless, I will always engrave in my mind how much the younger version of myself would've loved to see me pull the curtains that hid my true self from everyone.
This time, I'll do it right. I'll be better and I'll come back stronger than ever. I'll be unrecognizable, in a good way. I'll no longer have to keep on a disguise that suffocated me for so long. If you are like me, read this short piece of poetry I've made today. I hope you like it.
Nobody will know, anyway
By galleria
I've shed tears along the road
Wandering for another chance like a toad
In the hopeless depths of the night
Will I be able to escape from the suffer of my plight?
And if a silhouette in the shadows come after me
It takes a soul to forever be
A ruthless child roaming free
Unknowingly blooming flowers from fresh tears
From the bittersweet moments with my peers
And complex mazes with real fears
If someone asks me "Are you okay?"
I'll just let them know
Nobody will know, anyway.