The moment I wake up in the morning I start to experience a heavy feeling. The day needs to be shared because I know it does not belong solely to me. My work performance determines how my family members will use their time throughout the day.
My full time job consumes all my available energy. The two side gigs I work together with my main job require additional time. My income from those activities does not provide enough funds to meet my expenses. My expenses continue to increase at a pace which I cannot manage.
My little sisters tuition sits there in my head all the time. My brothers obligations create a sense of urgency that requires immediate attention. The role of provider creates a permanent weight which I must carry throughout my life.
Some days that load hits my body hard. I end up skipping food so others can have it. I watch them eat while I reflecting on what ifs.
I think to myself that everything is acceptable because family bonds require this type of commitment. The combination of hunger and tiredness makes me feel increasingly exhausted.
The ongoing expenses create an endless cycle of rising costs. The costs include electricity and water and rent and weekly food expenses and school fees. I need to pay for everything because I cannot choose between my expenses.
The atmosphere becomes extremely tense after I miss a payment. The doors make loud noises when they shut. People become angry while they speak in loud and harsh tones. The motorbike installments need to be settled . Their words create more pain for me because they add to my existing pressure.
My determination to keep going continues despite all challenges. I must continue my work because it remains my only option.
My sister's educational needs create an ongoing source of anxiety which I cannot eliminate. The total costs for classes and books and any extra requirements create a financial burden which I dread.
Her future kind of weighs on me, like I cannot mess this up. So I cut back on sleep, on eating sometimes, on little things I might want for myself. I need to ensure her activities continue without interruptions. I wonder sometimes how long someone can take that kind of strain before it breaks you. But stopping is not even a thought.
I use my mind to turn everything around because I need to understand what I have done. I need to evaluate different options for improving my performance.
My options for increasing my earnings include extending my work hours and developing better operational procedures through initial project planning. The question arises whether I can stay away from physical fights and emotional conflicts and all the violent behavior that follows.
My inner self understands that I put in my best efforts while giving everything I possess. The way I feel about things does not match my logical reasoning.
The entire system of responsibility distribution appears to operate with an unjust structure. The situation continues to weigh upon me because it maintains its constant presence.
I am discovering something new while I experience extreme exhaustion and intense fear. People who possess strength do not need to be flawless nor should they sacrifice everything they own to achieve their goal. God carries me on because of His powerful love which supports me through all difficulties. I am just human after all. My body requires sleep. I experience moments of fear. I believe that admitting this fact makes me stronger.
The task of supporting them proves to be demanding work. People often fail to express gratitude which causes emotional distress. I dedicate all my work hours and extra time and nighttime activities to support my family. I need this for my sisters educational needs. They require some basic level of security to be able to appreciate life. I carry this responsibility because I choose to do so but also because it requires completion. I handle my present situation through my improved capacity to endure challenges while I understand my worth extends beyond my financial value and what I sacrifice.
I am the one who provides financial support for my family. Most days I feel completely drained of energy. Everywhere I go I face mounting pressure. I am sufficient to meet my obligations.
The Lord keeps speaking to me. The invitation states that anyone who experiences fatigue and heavy loads should approach Him. When everything feels too much, it is like an open door to set down the worries and just be calm with Him. You do not have to carry everything by yourself at all times.
You should not spend time worrying about what will happen in the future. The birds of the sky do not engage in planting or harvesting activities but they receive protection. The lilies show that God fulfills your needs because He takes care of even your most minor life requirements. Today is enough.
You should trust Him while you breathe and rest under His caring protection. The ability to retain that section of information improves when I bring it back to my mind.
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