Even though am still in my mid twenties, my eyes have seen and my ears have heard. I have seen a lot of women cry out their eyes to sleep, I have seen women shout and scream during the midnight just because they are having issues with their husband. I have heard of a father who leaves home very early in the morning and return late in the night, he will tiptoe around the same children he gave life to, because peace had fled their home.
This is one of the topics we often don't talk much about or rather we avoid it, whereas it(divorce) is deep, it is more than the paperwork's and the signings. We have been taught to endure, to keep up, to keep having patience and all, in as much as all those are good virtues, one's peace is important.
When we talk about divorce also, we talk about the children, a Yoruba adage translate that "where two elephants fights, the grass underneath their feet suffers it" meaning if the husband and wife should fight or have issues it will definitely affect and tell on the children. How will they children survive without both parents under the same roof?
This children often grow up hating love, they carry wounds that's not obvious on the skin but very deep in the heart, some of this children grow up angry at one parent or both, some believe they are the cause of the problem, so they end up being angry at themselves. But should the pain of these children be the reason a man remain in a house where he's shrinking, should the woman remain in a marriage that is slowly killing her joy? Some parents are just there enduring the marriage just so their children can at least say have both parents.
When love turns into war, what happens? When the bond between the husband and the wife breaks, what becomes of the children? A house that's always silent, full of strife, fights, shouts, abuses and odd languages, how do you expect children raised in such a space to grow, what do you think they will turn to. That's not the definition of a home, children raised in such environment often grow up with a twisted understanding of love, relationships and peace.
When we say or advice that they should stay for the children, do we ask ourselves if it will be good for the children themselves, what are we making the children stay in, divorce would surely affect the children, but staying in a loveless, violent or toxic marriage does worse. No child should experience such, if they do, they come to grow up believing that love means staying even when joy is absent.
I believe divorce is a hard decision to make, its not always easy, here in my place, people often judge before they hear or know the real story, divorced people are often looked at like they have failed in life. There are time's that choosing self may seem selfish to others, but to you, you know that's the only means you can actually survive/live. When we talk about mental well being, it's not just about going insane, it's about peace. And a parent who is mentally whole is way more valuable to a child than one who is physically and emotionally absent.
What you have is what you give, which comes first, a child's comfort or the parents mental health, I believe a parent must heal first, even if it warrants divorce, a broken parent would definitely raise broken kids. Healing must begin with the adults, that way, they can be able to model what love, peace and emotional safety is.
Children's deserve a happy, safe, peaceful and lovely home. And if divorce is the best way to heal, to be sane, then its the better option. Love is beautiful, but peace is priceless. And every child deserves a parent who is whole mentally.
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