Boss up and don't give others a sense of control over your life.
Have you ever dressed up so well and deep down you know you look great but through out that day, you get no comment? Then, your self esteem starts dropping, you quickly look at the mirror at any chance you get, you deeply crave to hear whispers of "Whao! You look so good!", But wheeem!… You don't get it and you feel insecure.
If you live this way, you are giving others a sense of control over your life.
It's okay to want to be heard, liked, accepted, loved, It's really okay to crave feedback on how you are doing, if you need to improve, or you just want to receive some accolades because you're beautiful and super hard working.
I posted a related blog on that recently, titled "Blind Spots"
The problem is when it becomes addictive, when you no longer feel confident in your skin colour until someone tells you "You look beautiful". It's a matter of concern when your self worth is based on how others perceive you, it simply means YOU ARE SEEKING EXTERNAL VALIDATION.
Note: All I'm saying on this post is based on personal experience, research.
Validation comes from the word "Valid" which means good, important, accepted.
It's not bad to seek external validation, but it needs to be balanced. You should not allow what others thing about you control your feelings. External validation should be like a bonus mark, not the main mark, when you replace the main mark with the bonus mark, then there's an issue we need to deal with.
I remember a lady (let's call her Alice because it sounds nice). Alice became so addictive to external validation that she lost her confidence, Alice would go out of her way, go against her values just to get that validation from someone else.
When ever she posted her picture on facebook or instagram and got few likes, she got discouraged, doubting her own abilities, questioning if her views were really important, contemplating quitting, asking if she was enough or she needed to reveal certain parts of her body before she could be liked or accepted.
Now, external validation is like a soft hook, when you get on it, it pulls you in slowly and before you know it, it creates a hole in you which others need to constantly fill before you can feel good.
HOW TO GET OFF THE HOOK
To get off the hook, you need to be really sincere with yourself, don't try to cover up a wound that has not healed up, open it up and treat it, by accepting that the wound is there in the first place, which is accepting that you seek external validation.
Alice started to get off the hook the moment she realized and accepted she always needed external validation, that was the turning point for her. Long story cut short, she dealt with it and now has a healthy self esteem. The point is, she had to accept that the issue was there for her to deal with it.
If you realize and agree that you seek external validation, that's okay. Here are two simple steps to get off the hook:
No one can love you if you don't love yourself, no one can trust you if you don't trust yourself. If you wanted to sell me a pen and you yourself doubt the pen's abilities, why should I buy it then?
This will require another blog post to be fully understood.
So don't just love yourself and remain on that level, common, that voice whispering to you that you are more than this and you can do much better is telling you the truth.
Validation should be internal first, look at how far you have come and praise yourself, appreciate yourself, celebrate yourself.
This doesn't mean you can't ask others for feedback just like I said in my last blog post "blind spot", but this post is to balance that up.
Seeking that feedback from others should be after you've accessed yourself, your opinion about yourself matters too, then sincerely weigh them with what you get from others and mark out where you need to improve.
You're human and you have flaws, it doesn't cancel out the fact that you have awesome qualities too. You're awesome and you're doing well and can do super better, I'm rooting for you. You are a rare gem.
See you at the top.
Cheers.
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