I love my wife
If you have read my blogs you will know that I have a wonderful wife and have been married for over 25 years. If you have seen a picture of us together you will notice that I'm Canadian and she is not (she's from the Philippines). That means that there have been a lot of times when being raised in different cultures has led to ...lets just say challenges.
However, I had to smile when I saw today's #hivelearners post prompt. I read these words :
It's no news that most children these days are raised with the idea that they are meant to take care of their parents when they're old*
It certainly would have been news to me when I was younger! Now when I was in elementary school and we learned about Africa I was taught that African (and Asian) families often had very large families. We heard stories of having 8 or 9 children. The idea was that in developing nations children were retirement security for the parents. In Canada families typically have far fewer children with two being the most that most parents can handle! I know looking after two almost killed me.
While I cannot speak at all for African culture as I've never been there I can speak about the difference between my wife's upbringing and my upbringing.
When did you sleep on your own?
Now I knew that it was my wife's culture for family to live together. That's why I wasn't surprised when my parents-in-law came to live with us. I thought it was going to be for a few months so they could see Canada. Now its 20 years later than they are still here (sigh).
However, the first time I truly felt the difference in cultures was when our first son was born. When he came home from the hospital he slept in his own bassinet. At around 6 months old he was moved into a crib in his own room. Then things changed when he got a little older (probably 2 or so). He kept getting up from his bed to go to his grandparents room. As a Canadian father I knew he had his own room and needed to learn to sleep in it so I would make sure to lie down by his door so if he tried to escape to his grandparents room I would know and gently take him back to bed, read to him, then leave once he went back to sleep.
I slept in my own room from the time I came home from the hospital, why shouldn't my son?
What I didn't know was that my parents-in-law thought I was being mean to my son. How could I make him sleep in his own? How could I keep him from his family at night? So, they were secretly bringing my son into their room to sleep with them when he was a baby. They were also getting him from his crib when he was a toddler after I went to bed from patrolling his door.
The way I was taught was about being independent from a young age. My parents-in-law way was all about family bonding.
This continued until my parents in law went back to the Philippines to visit. Then my son simply could not sleep without being near family so he continued sleeping in our room until he was probably 12 or so. I didn't like it and our bed was far too small so near the end of that time he slept on his "pretend bed" beside ours which was just blankets and a pillow on the floor.
As the children got older
As my children got older there was again disagreement on how to raise them. My wife always wanted to coddle them and give them everything. She also expected them to do whatever she told them. She was the provider and commander while they were the children who said "Yes, Sir!". Except in Canada it doesn't really work that way. I was far more likely to say "NO" to things they wanted and have them work for what they wanted. I was far more likely to let them try ... and fail. I had no desire to coddle them and provide everything for them.
Now of course I provided all they needed and of course I protected them from things they weren't ready to handle. However, when my son was 6 I wouldn't buy items at the bakery for him. I gave him the money for the treat he wanted and he had to do it himself. Why? He needed to learn how to do things! My wife's idea--why am I not buying it for him, he's just small.
Again : My way was teaching my children to be independent and stand on their own my wife's culture was Look after the children and everyone helps each other out.
As they reach adulthood
Now as my sons are 18 and 20 my wife finally sees what I was working on with them for so long.
Both of my sons are capable adults. My 18yr old still has some learning though. Each of them is quite able to stand on their own and quite capable of leaving the house without any need for their parents. Sure I love them both and they often come for conversation, hugs, advice, and prayer. Sure they love to join us for family activities on occasion. However, they join out of love. Not obligation or need.
Many of my wife's Filipino friends lament that their children are not very capable or they are needy. The kids ask for more and more stuff. They expect their parents to look after everything. They don't have a strong sense of purpose and drive. I would likely say it is because the parents looked after everything when they were young...so they got used to it. The children never had to think hard about how they were going to stand on their own as adults so they are poorly prepared to step into an adult role when their 19th birthday comes (adult age in my province)
At this age I'm pretty happy that I led my children down the path to being independent rather than being bound to family.
But as I enter retirement I know the dark side of my plan
Looking into the future I also know the sad reality as I get old. Either my wife or I will be alone and lonely in our dying days.
I hold no illusion that I will have my children with me when I am elderly. I taught them to stand on their own and to love their wife and children with all that they have. I taught them to work hard and go wherever it takes to make a life for themselves and their family. Unfortunately, that is unlikely to include my wife and I.
My wife sees it all the time as a nurse. Often the immigrant families stick together to look after the elderly in their family. It is how they were raised and what is expected. For native Canadians? Off to the hospital or care home when the parents get too old to look after themselves. Sure they are likely to visit on special occasions. If I'm lucky I'll have my children visit me every month or two.
There is a reason I want to take care of my health and stay healthy as long as possible. When I'm unable to stand on my own my family isn't likely to stand alongside me.
Now...I will admit that I'm making small preparations to change the odds a little in my favor. My home has a self contained basement suite. When the time comes I'll move down there with my wife. I'll let my son (or sons) live upstairs (and pay rent of course). Hopefully they find a career in the town we live in and they will stay there with their family for the long term. In that way I can live nearby my family and see them regularly while still allowing them to be independent of us. At least that way I can postpone being put into a care home as long as possible.
Which way is better?
There is a lot of debate about which way is better. Should we raise our children to be independent? Should we raise them to be bound to family?
Depends on the culture and the child. Both views have their strengths and weaknesses. My wife and I show our love to our children differently. We both want the best for our children. Canadians and Filipino both love our families dearly...but we do show it very differently. As long as there is love and hard work I believe that either viewpoint can work. Just understand each has their strengths and weaknesses.
Thanks for reading, and please feel free to share your view:
Bound to family or free to be yourself? Which do you prefer 😌