One of the things about being married for almost 25 years is that people stop and think a little bit about how long that is when they hear it. Sure some people make it that long, but in Canada it is becoming increasingly uncommon.
If people ask for me to sum it up as quickly as possible here is my answer.
W
Now after hearing that answer I'll typically get a blank stare. W ?? What are you talking about. how can that possibly be the answer. Why would you give me such a ridiculous answer? W??
Yes, it is a ridiculous answer but hopefully it is simple enough for you to remember.
W
Of course, then I explain the answer.
Before you are married it is all about ME after it is married it should always be about WE. Just change that M to a W. However, so few people can do that.
Before you are married "She made me so happy". "I love her so much. "She completes me". Notice the repeated use of I and ME?
After marriage you will find that the happy smiles fade and the trials of life start grinding you down. Just look below. Someone is grumpy and someone is sleepy. Neither is having a fun moment.
Marriage is about teamwork!
Once you start planning things like :
"How do WE see our future"
"How can WE succeed financially"
"What is best for OUR family"
"What are OUR goals together"
Then the marriage starts to stand a chance.
However, part of teamwork is figuring out your partners strengths and weaknesses. The other part is figuring out how to work with them when you think they are crazy, irrational, or just plain weird.
trust me, every partner has those traits sometimes
But that's when you need to do a few things:
(1) remember that you aren't perfect either
(2) remember that you are equal partners each with their own strengths
(3) remember you committed to this and vowed to see it through
If you are like me and married someone from a different nationality then things get even more challenging!
Marry someone from the same culture
My sons ask me what kind of girl they should marry. I tell them either Filipino of Canadian. I do not tell them this because I'm racist or because I think our nationalities are better than any others. Indeed my oldeset son really wants to find a Japanese girl and I wish him the best of luck in his pursuit.
I mention dating within the same nationality only because it makes things a little easier. With a shared culture and shared viewpoint its a little easier to understand your mate. Understanding women (as a man) is hard enough as it is, add cultural differences and it just gets all that much harder!
Find someone with similar goals
Your spouse is your team mate, your partner, and the person you will grow with.
This is the person you will spend your life's journey with. It is pretty important that you are both going to the same place!
I can't say that I followed this advice when I got married. My wife wanted to have a luxury car and live in the big city. I wanted to live a humble lifestyle in a rural place.
which means...
Compromise
You will never get everything you want.
There will always be things that you don't like doing! Remember the W its not about ME it's about WE!
But how about a few examples:
Example #1: (Pull your weight even when you don't want to)
Just yesterday I let my wife know I was sick with a cold. She could probably guess from the face I was coughing, sneezing, snuffling and taking cold medication. However, for the good of the team I woke up early (couldn't sleep anyways)...
After waking up I promptly..
...Washed the dishes.
...Vacuumed the floor.
...Did the laundry.
...Took out the garbage and compost.
...Sorted the Recycling and took empty bottled to the return depot.
...Made the bed and helped to tidy the house
...Took the dog for his 2.5km morning walk.
All before she had her morning coffee. Now while she is drinking her Coffee I told her "If you need anything done please let me know now". I've got some energy now but I'm sick and once I'm finished I'm going to plant myself on the couch and be useless for a good part of the rest of the day.
Now she thought I was threatening her. I just knew that I was sick and needed to rest for the day but still wanted to be useful.
If I'm focused on "ME" I'm wondering why I'm doing any of this at all! I'm sick, my wife should look after "ME". But remember guys, this is teamwork. It's about "US" and pulling your weight even when you don't want to.
Example #2 (know your team mate)
When I was newly married I didn't know my wife nearly as well as I should have and she didn't know me nearly as well either.
In Canada when a wife is mad at you its pretty easy to tell. their volume levels go up considerably. However, in the Philippines its the opposite. When a Filipina is mad she stops talking to her husband and goes quiet. It's called making tampo.
One week she got mad at me because of something trivial and was quiet the rest of the week. I had no clue something was wrong and she got madder and madder because I wasn't figuring out she was mad and I should be apologizing!
Result: I learned something about Filipina and she learned that her partner wouldn't understand unless she spoke up!
So, learn your team mate!
Example #3 (different expectations).
Again when we were newly married my wife had expectations I never ever considered.
One week she did laundry and came to me upset. I wondered what was wrong. She said "You only have 6 underwear in the laundry". I was a bit puzzled...OK...is there a problem with my underwear?
Yes! I did laundry last week!
To which I was still very much confused. So she spelled it out for me. I did laundry 7 days ago and there are only 6 underwear in the laundry!
Nope still didn't get it.
Now she was getting really angry and I was still clueless! Then she told me point blank: "You wore your underwear two days in a row! That's disgusting!". Now in hindsight in the Philippines I'd never even consider wearing underwear two days in a row...It's too hot and I get too sweaty. In Canada its a different situation. Regardless she was REALLY upset about that.
She had very specific expectations of which I had no clue.
The Teamwork has made it all worthwhile
Sure there have been many failures along the way. I've let her down by not doing things she really wanted. We've argued about things we should do (or not do). She still gets after me for not having a third child because she really wanted a girl.
However, there have been many successes as well. Most notably having someone to watch my back wherever we go. I know if I get into trouble she'll watch out for me and if she gets into trouble I'll watch out for her.
We have created a home, enjoyed a family, created wealth for ourselves, and explored the world together.
That only came because of teamwork
I never would have accomplished nearly as much alone! Of that much I am 100% certain.
But if you are looking for the secret of how to make it work
Remember
W
It is all about WE not ME.
That works in marriage. It works in community. It works in the Church.
Whenever you are part of a team, any team, always remember the W.
Also one last parting thought.
The letter U might come up an option but it doesn't really work.
Some people go into marriage with the thought it's all about U. Just look at old time brides who were taught that it was all about serving their husband. Or modern day North American husbands who believe it is all about keeping their wives happy.
Marriage and Teamwork only work when its about WE. Not me, not you, but US.
Took me a long time to figure out that one too :)
Luckily I learned after time :)
Thanks for reading and as always,
I love getting comments.