Trauma sometimes comes back as fear, as commonplace moments.
I had a time in my life when I'd begin to respond to sounds in a different way.
If there was a loud noise outside my chest would go tight immediately. I was uneasy whenever I got a sudden call at night.
If people were fighting around me verbally it would spoil my day.
Initially, I believed that I just had a lot of stress in my life, but at some point I noticed that some experiences don't take you over completely. They remain silently within the body well after the event.
About a couple of years ago something hit me in the gut and it really touched me in a deep emotional way.
It wasn’t war.
There was no violence, Yet it was one of the most mentally challenging experiences of my life.
I was already having trouble with uncertainty about my future with money problems and with a lingering feeling that many young people have the fear they don't openly discuss, Trying to make sense of life while acting like I'm fine.
One night something changed and turned everything up a notch.
It was late at night and I was out with a friend... this was a time when public transport in the area had already been cut back and I boarded a virtually empty bus with just a few people on board.
Initially there was no reason to be concerned.
Until one day the driver had to abruptly change his route.
I can recall the exact feeling in my stomach when I realized that we were no longer on the more usual road that people take, no one in the car talked to each other.
But everybody noticed.
This was a frightening silence.
One of the men who were in front of the vehicle, told the driver to turn around quietly.
The driver didn't pay attention to him.
This is when I really began to freak out.
My thoughts began spinning as soon as I heard his words.
Different thoughts.
Different fears.
I can still see myself checking my phone covertly to see who I could contact if anything did occur.
It took nearly 20 minutes for everyone to make it through that car. There was no confidence in anyone. All movements were suspicious.
After a few minutes of discussion and disagreement the driver headed back to the correct path. I don't know if he was truly malicious toward me, or if he just got a case of the wrong turn, but until today I still don't know.
However, something had taken place in my mind within that car.
Then, that night I transformed without even realizing it.
I tended to get overly alert while moving.
I ceased to relax in a proper way within the public transport.
I was always noticed by others suspiciously.
Even in normal times, anxiety began to creep in.
But the thing about trauma is that when you have trauma, sometimes those around you don't catch on, because as much as it seems like nothing happened, there was.
But in your mind, fear was so strong that there was a mark left behind.
I continued to brush it aside for months.
I said to myself, “Get a grip of yourself.”
Said to myself, “I'm being dramatic.”
Trauma is not going to go down the drain because you insult your emotions.
In some cases it proliferates unabated if left alone.
The thing that eventually worked for me was talking it out.
Not dramatically.
Just honestly.
Then one night in a random conversation I opened up to a close friend, and he told me his experience as well. Another situation, and the same after-the-fact fear.
This dialogue made me realize that so many people have emotional wounds that have never been dealt with, i also began to actively work on relaxing my mind.
Less isolation.
Less overthinking.
An increase in self-awareness of emotions.
Then gradually the fear subsided.
Not instantly.
Not perfectly.
But gradually.
The thing I learned from that experience is that sometimes trauma is not loud and clear.
Sometimes it's camouflaged in the changes of behavior.
Inside sleeplessness.
Anxiety in their inner thoughts is not well expressed.
When a single traumatic event triggers a person to become emotionally guarded.
There's something about emotional trauma that I think many of us are grappling with on the inside which we've never gotten over physically.
But sadly, society often teaches people to suppress rather than to process.
Especially men.
“Be strong” is heard too much and people get it wrong when it comes to strength and emotional silence.
Normally, healing starts the moment that honesty starts.
Today, I make better efforts to interact with other people with that experience in mind.
It's hard to guess the secret fear of another person.
What you're laughing at could still be a thing that your brain hasn't fully gotten over.
I'd like to be more tender to one another for that reason.
Image Generted with Chatgpt