Wedding ceremonies are usually exciting for everyone! We are happy to see our siblings and friends finally get married to the "Love of their lives". But owing to differences in cultural values and norms, this occasion to publicly declare the legal union between a male and a female varies greatly in the way they are done. While white weddings and court marriages have been quickly adopted to unify this process and remove some complications and ambiguities associated with it, traditional marriages still remain the bread and butter of the marriage institution in typical African societies. These events are unique to different cultural groups, in fact, the seven hundred and seventy-four (774) local government areas in Nigeria have some unique features applied to traditional weddings (these variations can also be felt in the community and family levels), without further ado, let's use the case study of my elder sister to explore the nature of traditional weddings in Ikwerre Local Government Area of Rivers State, Nigeria.
The couple
What Led to It
What even leads to marriage? Basically, we conclude that both couples after numerous conversations and time outs together, now strongly believe they are compatible and wants to move their relationship a step further by getting legally joined as husband and wife. I strongly believe that was the same connection between my elder sister - Chidinma and her husband who happens to be my closest friend - Isaac.
Full Disclaimer: Trust me, I have nothing to do with the union, it was natural, I didn't connect anything!
In my culture, a man must signify his interest to marry another man's daughter by visiting and declaring his interest to the father of the girl. He must also present a wine when coming to do this. And Isaac was up to the task, he didn't want to take chances, on his heels he ran to the store, obtained a wine, booked a visit and presented his case.
Then, my dad needed to hear from his daughter if she was in agreement, which she was and they were set for marriage.
Interestingly, my culture does not honour the white man's engagement exercise that a man will kneel before a woman to engage her with a ring. So, if you are to do an engagement or not, it is a personal decision.
So, with all validation obtained, the next stage is set.
The List
The man must obtain a list of the requirements that must be met before he can go with his wife. Obtaining the list can cost as much as 50USD (or 20,000NGN).
The list is a paper/document that contains some items that a man must provide before he can go with his wife. In fact, the marriage occasion is all about the negotiation of this document. This document is not a standard document and is ever-evolving.
Do you know? Most Nigerian communities and families will update their list based on the list provided/presented to them from another community/family in a case of inter-ethnic/cultural marital union.
The LIST is usually one of the most dreaded items by a young man aspiring marriage. You just don't know and cannot tell what to expect, you do not practice it beforehand, and for the most part, it is only about 70% negotiable. Honestly, the list is almost all about money and a little about testing the capableness and strength of the young man. It is a cultural requirement nonetheless and must be fully satisfied (at least 70%) before the man can gain full access to his wife.
In Ikwerre, the list my dad presented to his son-in-law, Mr Isaac was a four (4) paged document that contains things to be presented to the immediate family, the community women, the community men and the father of the girl.
Would you like to see the list? Lol!
The Girl's Day (The Traditional Wedding)
The Bride
The traditional wedding is almost all about the female gender (feminists will not complain now). From the start of the day, the girl is concealed and all the beauty treatment is done to her. In fact, if the man is not careful, he may not recognize his wife. Usually, the man is not even allowed to see his wife till close to the end of the occasion. In fact, the girl is handled and treated like queen Elizabeth, she can't use a cloth she has worn before, everything must be new and fresh, and do you know in whose pocket these expenses are on? You guessed right, the groom, Mr Isaac.
No Joy for the Groom (The Negotiation)
The Groom
While the bride is busy looking pretty, the groom is left alone in a cultural panel. The negotiation stage is the main activity in a typical traditional marriage in Ikwerre. In fact, this takes almost the whole day. The following criteria must be met for negotiation to be a success:
- The groom must be present with his people, most preferred are family members, friends and well-wishers are also appreciated all making a team of negotiators.
- The bride's father and his brothers must be available.
- The list must be available with each side of the negotiating team having a copy with a pen to tick off the aspects of the negotiation that has been fulfilled.
Negotiation setting
What the Negotiation Involves
The negotiation basically involves the father of the bride making demands for items on the list and the groom and his team presenting these items. Since the list is usually very long, the groom may not be able to provide all the items, so his team of negotiators will beg on his behalf to either skip them completely or pay half the value.
Interesting Fact: While the groom is present during the negotiation, it is forbidden for him to try to directly influence the negotiation, he is not allowed to speak till he is asked to. So, his representatives do all the talking.
If the negotiation is successful, and all the items on the list have been met satisfactorily, the marital union is sealed and the wedding occasion can be concluded.
The negotiation process can be very tough, at some point, it even worries me that the marriage may not hold again, but interestingly, it always comes to an end and both parties usually leave the occasion happily.
Joy at the End (Light in the end of the tunnel)
Bride's mother
At the end of the negotiation process, the groom is now relieved, and to make him feel much better, he gets to see his wife. But his wife is not coming to him right away.
To finalize the whole process, the bride's father has to bless her and hand over a glass of wine to her give to her husband (this is an identification process as it is assumed no one knows who her husband is till she picks him out from the crowd; risky I guess!). She has to carry the drink amidst different men begging for her attention, identify her husband, and hand him a glass of wine (usually palm wine).
Isaac is happy drinking the wine of his labour
Pause for a minute, what if she hands over the drink to another man? Hmmm! What a "what if!", "What a thought". Let's leave this possibility behind for now!
In the end, the father will now bless both of them and a prayer will be offered to dedicate the marriage to God almighty and that's basically it. They are now husband and wife!
Couples on their knee to receive blessings
I will not stop here. What about refreshments?
If refreshment was a criterion, I will always choose traditional weddings over white.
Leave wedding jollof out of this!
But how about an occasion where once you arrive, you will be presented with a meal, a solid Nigerian diet. And before leaving, you will have a full stomach! And within the occasion, you have plenty to keep your mouth busy! That's an Ikwerre traditional wedding for you. We are not bothered about fancy locations and decorations, all efforts go into cooking quality food for visitors and hosts.
My brothers and sisters, we ate! We eat wetin no good!
Feeding is usually shared between the groom and the bride's family; so it is not so much a burden to the bride.
Table of men with bitter kola and things that go with it
Garden egg and drinks
Conclusion
Traditional weddings where I am from are exciting occasions designed to test the man's resilience, strength and patience through the negotiation and structure to give honour to the bride. Honestly, women/girls have been marginalized throughout history by men, and what could be better than a culture that values and shows more respect to them through a very significant occasion?
I am Chukwudi Ofurum (