January has always been the unwelcome houseguest of months. It shows up right after the holidays when you’re already broke, bloated, and tired, and then demands you make resolutions you’ll hate yourself for breaking. Add in weather that feels like nature’s personal attack, and you’ve got the perfect storm of “nope.”
But for me, January is more than just grey skies and regret. It’s a scrapbook of loss, stitched together with some duct tape, grit, and, let’s be honest, a lot of caffeine.
When I was ten, January became the month I stopped being a kid. My mom lost her entire family and my dad. Overnight, I became her support system. While other kids were trading stickers and watching cartoons, I was learning to navigate my mom’s depression and trying to keep my siblings afloat. Fun fact: grief doesn’t wait for you to figure it out, it just moves in and takes over.
Years later, life decided to double down. Nine years ago, both my mom and my partner’s mom were diagnosed with cancer. We did what any self-respecting couple would do: sat down, made a plan, and braced ourselves for chaos. I quit my job to take care of them. There were days I didn’t know if I lived in my car or my house because I was constantly on the road, doctor’s appointments, pharmacies, hospitals, repeat. One of them needed round-the-clock care. The other, my mom, mostly just told me she was proud of me.
Seven years ago this January, we lost both of them. And then, two years ago, we lost a sibling to suicide. It’s safe to say January and I have history, and not the good kind.
Here’s the thing, though: I’m still here. I wake up, make coffee, and try again. Some days, I’m crushing it, checking things off my to-do list like a boss. Other days, it’s a win if I put on pants before 3 PM. Both count.
What I’ve learned through all of this is that January will never be my favorite month. But it also doesn’t get to define me. It’s okay to feel the weight of it, but it’s also okay to laugh through it, cry through it, and take breaks when you need them. If you’re struggling through this time of year too, know this: some days will be better, some days will suck, but you’ll get through them all.
January might think it’s tough, but so am I. So are you.
Now, let’s get through this month together, preferably with a big mug of coffee, an electric blanket, and zero expectations to run a marathon.