Been couped in the fuggy, gray room where even sunlight doesn't reach, for perhaps over two weeks. Plausibly I would been hoovering in that dark, gloomy room for another week unless a certain death wouldn't shake me up.
So much so that I had to eventually leave the room.
Henceforth, here I am walking down the road, a walk to clear my head, to escape from the suffocating sadness of this death.

The evening business of the neighborhood, everyone returning home, enjoying the relaxing pre-weekend evening, horns and chaos, these all should be annoying to me as usual.
But the more I wonder around the familiarly unfamiliar road, these bothersome chaos sounds rather melodic to my ears! The evening breeze of wind, a cup of tea with a smoke after the end of the road, never seemed so alluring before.

People use "meaningless" so casually, I feel like the word itself has lost its' coloring. Therefore, if I am to say an expected-yet-sudden death of someone close has made me feel "life seems meaningless", I assume it will do no justice.

I have been sort of a hedonistic kind. I enjoy every bit of life regardless it's nature of tough or easy, sad or happy, unfortunate or lucky, expected or disappointing...I enjoy every it with the greatest acceptance. I love philosophy of life and death but never do I waste a moment for "what if..."
And this one death... struck hard. I sense the notion of identity crisis sneaking, crawling to take over from beneath.

And that scares me.

I have been a highly upbeat kind of person. Even in the most unfortunate times in my long life, my self dominance for being hopeful, aspiring or grinding tight has never been defeated regardless how horrendous or disappointing the circumstance turn out to be.

I have been intentionally almost forcefully suppressing it from reaching me and trying to live the life at fullest while I am at it, instead of sinking in deep slumber of pointless agony of short life span with so many things to do and have!

And now I wonder of what we are so hyped to achieve. For what we struggle so much. Once you are dead, it ends and nothing remains. You are gone. For eternity without taking anything with you. NOTHING and NO ONE! How devastating and sad it can be!
I wish I could just flight this sheer helplessness, deep agony through exhaling the smoke.

His smile, his cheerful enthusiasm, his sarcastic teasing, his last fight against death...I can see it all just by closing my eyes!

To think I will not see him anymore, NEVER!
Has deaths of our dears always been this ruthless!