"You know what happens when you spend five years practising and eight years researching, and two plus years writing a book, explaining how mental health works to people so that you can show people you aren't crazy?" I ask one of my besties, while we're sitting on her couch watching some random show.
She looks at me and waits for the answer.
"Nothing." I laugh.
"Because now people know they messed up but they're too embarrassed to say anything about it anyway. So nothing changes. Not one thing!"
I am actually laughing out loud as I say this because the irony and, literally, thousands of hours spent on the project for this end result are pretty fuckin' funny.
It seems I am on the mend proper.
My offbeat sense of humour is finally returning. brace yerselves
Walking has helped with this enormously.
I also did it for all the kids, though.
And the book has been read by some more folks, including a doctor or two. And a psychiatrist or two.
Hey... d'ya know what happens when a doctor or two, and a psychiatrist or two, find years of research put into a free book to explain an alternative approach to treating mental health and addiction, based on some of the less popular and once were popular but were then discarded theories of some of the great minds of their own professions?
Nothing. Not one thing!
You know this because you share it with them yourself, at times, and you see (in the glazed, thinking eyes and silence) the lightbulb go off. You see that they "get it".
But they're only human too.
Â
Driven by desire
for personal validation
and glory
Unhealed healers
with smart certificates
Too unhealed to be only human
and to ask more
or admit they may not know it all
Or may have been wrong
all along.
So nothing happens
except they withdraw
and go kinda quiet
even when you offer to answer
any questions
and lay your cards on the table.
Personal glory and validation
Over collaboration
and healing people
possibly
For good.
Or they assimilate what they can as their own and make use of what they only half understand.
They don't share information with their peers either.
So now we all have only parts of the puzzle.
And nobody has the possibly full solution.
And so change happens too slowly
for the people who may not make
it through another night.
But priorities,
right?
Oops... got a bit grim.
I find walking helps.
I'm walking proof that fully healing addiction and chronic mental health "disorders" is possible.
Because I've done it.
Yet people can't see what's in front of 'em.
Or people outright refuse to see it, if it threatens them in some way.
Sometimes it's an intentional denial of reality.
Sometimes it's just confirmation bias.
Often it's also unconscious bias.
Or all of these, really.
It makes me think it's okay to let things go and just be, really.
If people generally believe what suits them best instead of any kind of more maybe actual Truth.
This can either be very liberating or very depressing, by the way. This psychological phenomenon. And on different days I feel differently about it. I do wish I'd understood this more before I wasted all that time writing that goddamned book.
I find walking helps.
I took my son for a walk in the park, opposite the doctor's office, on my last check up a few months ago.
I was pretty sick again back then but I don't get all hit up about it much anymore.
I've found a way to walk in the world, totally sober despite my external circumstances and without therapy or support groups or any cravings at all anymore. No more anxiety and (now) no more depression (in full). No more "BiPolar". No more whatever your confirmation or unconscious bias wants to call it. 😉
"I'm okay, Jack!" Summink my dad used to say to me when I was being a selfish dick
This goes against everything most people currently believe about addiction and mental health, by the way.
I guess that's partly why people choose not to believe it. Or are unable to accept it.
And that's okay with me now because, after learning more about how the human mind works, I know that what people think of and about me has little to do with me anyway.
And this makes it easier to be okay with other people's mistakes about me.
I don't need to walk anymore to feel less, or anything at all, about this.
I also know life is tenuous and can change in a heartbeat, these days.
But this no longer frightens me at all.
Rather, while I wait for more possibly bad news, I make use of the time with my son to walk and play and laugh in the park nearby the doctor's rooms.
It's a beautiful day.
We have a great time together because Now I'm able to walk in the present, despite anything that may be happening around or to me.
I've eradicated almost all of my fear now.
I think people sometimes don't believe my situation because it doesn't really make sense that I'm so happy and calm despite it.
Perhaps that's it. Why people don't believe me. Or "see" me clearly.
Along with their unconscous bias and all that confirmation bias as well.
You can't be angry with someone when they aren't fully conscious or even seeing you.
Can you?
Makes you kinda wonder whether you should take anyone's opinion of you, or yours of them (!), so seriously.
Doesn't it?
Hey... it was a beautiful day the day I went for that check up!
Look at what we found just across the road...
You go through years of a journey like this and things change.
Inevitably.
Of course.
You go from trying to make people see the truth, to trying to make people admit the truth, to trying to fight the people you think are responsible, to trying to fight the institutions that house the people you think are responsible, to trying to fight the governing bodies that protect the institutions that house the people you think are responsible...
and so it goes.
At every stage of what you believe is "the good fight", you meet The Wall.
From the denial of the individual. To the wilful ignorance and fear of the pack. To the lack of interest and corruption of government. You move from one to the next as your understanding grows...
until you are left with nothing, really.
You can not beat popular opinion.
And you can not defeat government.
Not really.
And if you do, your one small good fight will evaporate over due time and nothing will change anyway.
Like when you write that book that explains things and, even though people know more of the truth, people aren't yet ready to be in Truth.
So nothing much changes for you personally anyway.
Nothing is made "right".
There are no big happy endings with applause in packed courtrooms. There is no closure. There is no vindication.
I wonder how many other people are out there, right now, who are being forced to walk the lie as well.
To protect other people's embarrassment and shame about being "wrong". About what they may have said or done by mistake. Or because they did kinda know but were too afraid to step up.
I know there are a lot of us. Being forced to pretend our realities never even happened. It's fuckin' surreal some days, I tell ya.
I find walking helps.
I walk around my new neighbourhood and enjoy the creativity and individuality of the architecture.
It's something that struck me right off the bat when I moved here and I've commented on it a couple of times.
Every house is different. Personal. Unique.
Kinda like we humans are.
If we feel safe enough to be ourselves.
So I decided to take some photographs for you. Of the houses instead of the landscape this time. To show the creativity of the individuals who've built out here. And their very personal expression.
I love this about this village.
The gossip?
Not so much.
In fact... it destroys community. 💔
Because gossip is always about power and control.
Always.
And authentic individuality rocks!
Images removed because my car was vandalised today.
We've been targeted since we arrived and it's now escalating apparently.
I'm letting it simmer, and am going to find out more info if possible, before I decide on which course of action to take.
But in all honesty, after the last few months and what I've heard from a few other people who've also been threatened, I don't think I'm up for this particular fight with my current health condition and lack of resources.
It's pretty intense. More to follow when we are in safer seas. #bizarrelytruestoryagain #welcometosouthafrica 👀
On we go.
p.s. Send in the cavalry and that helicopter, please.
And what a shame for Pringle Bay and for those good people around here.
So what do you do when you can't beat the system, crack the pack mentality or do away with the frailty of human ego because people are wounded and unhealed?
Or are not properly individuated enough to do the right thing because we're also mostly terrified of government or society's reactions?
Well... maybe you (try to) share how you managed to figure out how to be okay in the shit storm.
As quickly as possible.
And how're you gonna do that, Nicky?
Well...
I'm gonna spend another gazillion hours writing another goddamned book of course.
And in between I'm gonna walk.
A lot!
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All images my own for this one. All photo editing done with GIMP.