Crazy week; I don't know where to start because the last few weeks have been not only crazy but messy. Some time and energy that I have spent completely got wasted but I am glad I am not mad about it. Documents went wrong, schedule problems, an argument with the therapist, life management issues, and the complaints will go on and on. There was a moment I felt like I was gonna give up because the pressure level was intense and somehow due to the situation, my anxiety and stress levels were not going well. Even a normal person feels pressure dealing with so many things so I guess due to my PTSD issues, time and situation become more difficult. But the good thing is I didn't reach the breaking point of giving up, I still have the courage to endure everything.
Well, hellow everyone...
My treatment process was going smoothly until an unusual circumstance triggered me. Unfortunately, my old therapist had to move due to her transfer so I had to face a new therapist. Obviously, bonding was not there and somehow I was having difficulties in front of her. But because I try to be more open-minded, so I thought to give this new therapist a shot. But unfortunately, during our conversation, some words and ways of talking triggered me. If it was from an outsider who was not part of my treatment, I would have dealt with the trigger in a different way but from the professional, I didn't expect such behavior so I was having huge trust issues and had decided to stop the therapy session. I don't know who was right or wrong but in the end, my choice was my well-being. I still have trust in my treatment process, it's just I do not trust the individual anymore. As a result, the dose of medication I was taking didn't work so I had to increase the dose of the medicines which is not good news. I know people all over the world dealing with crises and problems but in my case, my past is so intense that a part of my brain shut me down completely. Potential danger alert, self-harm expectancy, flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares are still there but all I can say, it's getting better. Obviously, no one can predict what I might do next, I also don't know about myself. So to find myself again with confidence, somehow I have to go through this long treatment.
Last week, Holland celebrated King's Day and I was able to celebrate the day with new people. We went to Haarlem city in the Netherlands and spent our entire day celebrating King's Day. It was really nice and I don't have photos to share. Well, I have some private photos but I didn't take any special photos of the King's Day celebration. Well, I regret now why I didn't take photos. But I was so involved in the new atmosphere that I completely forgot to take photos. When I meet people and spend time with them, I don't feel like taking photos. I feel like those are my private moments so yes, I kinda developed this new attitude. Next year hopefully...
Unfortunately, I am having anxiety and stress still and it shows. People nowadays notice that too, my stressful behaviors...
My 3 months of government document work got rejected and now I also gave up. I wish I could write more details about it but right now all I can say it's about my nationality and inheritance. Am I becoming someone who won't have any identity or country?? I don't know yet... This stress was killing me so I took my dog out for a long walk near the canal. These photos I have taken while walking with her. Well, my dog is not someone who is so obedient when we walk outside. When I was taking these photos, she was constantly pulling me...
I was feeling so low that I didn't even care what my dog was doing, I wanted to clear my head. Meanwhile, when my lovely dog Gigi realized that I was not paying her attention, she jumped into the canal so suddenly with her leash. I was almost going down in the canal with her but somehow I managed to save myself falling in the water. That's me and my dog, a perfect relation (sarcastic way).
I never wanted a life where I am living in fear almost every day. I always have to be very careful with self-harm expectancy, anxiety, and flashbacks of deep dark past. Nobody wants such a life where you have to be scared of traumas and live in flashbacks and depression. No one deserves such a life yet here I am, dealing with everything all at once and still have a hope to have a bright future...
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I am learning about myself every day, I see people and meet people. I am not harming myself or ignoring suicidal thoughts even though I feel like doing things due to my depression. My achievement level is small, every day I take a step at a time for myself and I am genuinely proud of myself. I will have a dream one day and will do things without being scared...
One step at a time
A virtual walk to explore my mind and life...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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