Available as NFT on MakersPlace:
https://makersplace.com/anafae/waiting-1-of-1-463552/
This is part 2 of my "Backstories" series, three digital paintings I've made last year in moments of very strong feeling.
They are all self-portraits in a way, although they don't depict my bodily appearance, but they reflect very strong emotions that I had to work with during the last year.
Thinking of Home
Walking the Past
I still know exactly where and when I've painted "Waiting" and I can feel the emotion still when I look at it.
There's been a lot of waiting last year, for different reasons.
Lots of things felt out of my hand. Mostly I waited for something to change.
This artwork represents for me my feeling of being stuck, helpless, dependent on something from the outside, only able to wait until finally something happens or changes.
Capitulation.
There were times last year when I just didn't know how to get out of this feeling. I knew something had to change, if not on the outside because of certain circumstances, than on the inside. But I wasn't able to accept my particular situation, make the best of it and see the gift in it.
Instead I often got angry.
One time it was so bad I was glad that we camped near a river so I could go and forcefully throw stones into the water ^^
After I was angry I got sad and cried because of course the situation was still the same, despite me throwing stones.
And after that I was so exhausted that I just fell back in my seat and went back to miserable waiting.
Now I know that this was exactly the lesson that I needed.
This would be a topic in itself to write about, but I've always been afraid of anger due to experiences in my family.
Last year I finally allowed myself to feel this feeling and take a close look at it, and now in retrospect I know I've learned a lot.
Waiting isn't particularly a bad thing. Impatience and helplessness is the thing that made me sad and angry and took away all my energy.
Sometimes I can't change a situation, but I can change how I feel about it.
But sometimes I even can change a situation but don't allow myself to, because I'm afraid.
Last year I mostly failed at changing anything. I didn't see the door out of my misery. I felt stuck and small and helpless, kind of liquid, not stable.
... Wow, it's quite therapeutic to write about the paintings of this series. A lot of things come up while I recollect the feeling I had while creating. I feel a bit vulnerable right now, going back in time feeling the pain again.
I love how art can store certain moments and emotions.
I always wonder if someone looking at my art feels the same as I did? Although I like the idea that a piece of art can be different to different people and that everyone relates to it in an individual way.
"Waiting" was actually created quite fast, at least the basic "idea" (I didn't have an idea beforehand, I just started painting in a rush of emotion actually ^^).
After that I just carved out the details, worked on shadows and tinkered with the background color and texture layers. Some minor embellishments were made in Affinity Photo after painting in Procreate.
I have a video for you where you can see the whole process. Again, with a little ukulele tune, played and recorded by myself :-)
Check out my website for all the links to my NFT's and much more art!
www.anafae.art
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