Leader...or fucken wanker?

There's good and bad in everyone, it's subjective and a matter of perspective but what people see, how they react to it, isn't always valid and some see bad where it doesn't exist due to disgruntlement and other such things; this is something most leaders will face at some stage whether it's professional manager or leader, sporting coach, school teacher and even family...anywhere a person leads, guides and directs others. It's not always the leader's fault that they're seen as bad although it's always the leader's responsibility to deal with the ramifications of that in the most productive and effective way.

I've seen leaders be quite expert at their role and also incredibly bad and, as a leader myself thrust into the role in my early twenties, have done things really well and occasionally not as well as I should have. I learned over time and as my leadership experiences and responsibilities increased (and implications of them) so did my understanding of what it takes to be a good leader. One of these critical elements is the right dialogues with the team or subordinates and the need to deliver them in the right ways.

With this in mind, and some recent events that have transpired in my professional life, I thought I'd share a few of the wrong dialogues with the right one in counterpoint as a demonstration. Note, I don't represent that these dialogues should be used verbatim, they are an example only.

You'll do it my way because I said so and I'm the boss

What should be said here is something like: "I trust your judgement, skills and expertise and that you'll seek my assistance if required. I believe you have a focus on the goal and will move confidently towards it."

You're not paid to think

It's better to say: "I value your input and ideas and look forward to hearing them because it's through collective pooling of thought and action that we'll find better results."

I want this done by tomorrow

I'd prefer to use: "How about we agree on a timeline that works for all stakeholders and set a plan and schedule around it?"

That's not my problem, it's yours so work it out

Nope, that's wrong and this is preferable: "I'm here to support you as best I can so never hesitate to come to me with thoughts and ideas you feel may work best so we can investigate and find the right way forward."

Here's how we're going to do this

That's not building ownership or empowering the team, this will though: "How do you think we should approach this task and why?"

If this fails I'll hold you as responsible

Try instead: "We're a team so succeed and fail together, you're not alone in this matter."

I'll run this past upper management and get back to you

That's not empowering the team, this will though: "It would be great if you'd present this to upper management because it's your work and I trust in your ability to present it in the most favourable manner."

Leader or fucken wanker?

If you put yourself in the position of a worker/team member/subordinate I think it's clear how the above dialogues would be received in each case and which would be preferable. I think, if you're a leader and take that role seriously and want to build a strong, cohesive, productive and happy team it's also clear which dialogues would be most appropriate and you'll remember that the tone and body language used in communication is even more important than the words.

Naturally exact situations have to be considered here and the dialogues above may not match every scenario that arises but these should go some way towards demonstrating the differences between good and bad dialogues and I believe phrases like, or similar to, the above could be used as effectively in the workplace, socially and at home with family.

I wonder what you think after reading the contrasting dialogues and considering which style you'd respond favourably to and which you feel would lead to better team/workplace outcomes. So tell me about your thoughts and any experiences you've had in such matters below in the comments if you'd like.