I've been thinking about people a lot lately; It's not unusual for me to do so from time to time. Being a non-peopley oriented person doesn't mean I don't interact with them or think about them, it simply means I am very selective with those I choose to interact with, let into my life physically or in thought.
When I'm working it's a little more difficult to give that choice full-reign, I get paid to interact with people, however in my personal life I do what feels right, and if a person doesn't feel right they're treated accordingly. I don't necessarily cast them aside of course, however it may mean I limit contact time, or remain a little more aloof than I might otherwise. I'm actually rather shy, a condition I push well-aside when I'm working, so being in large groups of people I don't know feels awkward for me; I prefer small groups, and one-on-one is better yet.
In my thoughts about people I considered myself also. I guess, as I get a little older it's easier to be more reflective and whilst I've always been this way nowadays it's more prevalent.
The people around me, known to me or not, may make perceptions; that's a human thing to do. Occasionally they tell me too, and it's not always complimentary. I don't mind, and I put no real effort into trying to change someone's else's perception as it's often impossible to change and, quite frankly, if someone chooses to pre-judge me based on little or no tangible information they're not someone I'm going to want around anyway.
Sometimes I wonder what people see and think though, not that I'd ever ask of course, and that's what I was thinking about today, in that reflection I mentioned.
Like everyone, I have a past and present and in those two time periods things happen which I simply refer to as experiences. They're not simple at all though when all combined together; in fact, they form a complex and connected design made up of those moments, thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions and reactions that, in turn, make me me, or you you in your own case.
When looking at myself, it's difficult to see what others see but I know enough about myself to know that I am a dichotomy. Good and bad, hard and soft, happy and sad, positive and negative, strong and weak, vulnerable and resilient and many more things besides. In truth, we are all those things, even you. I guess what people see is subjective and situational and people may pick out the things they want to embrace and deny the others; what people see will be up to the individual.
I don't know why people are attracted to me; I don't mean women specifically here, I mean people in general. What makes a person want to learn more about me, become closer, to share time with me? I have no idea. They see something though, something that makes them want to...Just like those who dislike me choose to see those things that support their case. Are all of those things there? Yeah, I guess they are, in both cases, and it's up to the person looking to determine what's important to them, then act around it.
Life has destroyed me at times but I've turned it, and myself, into something nonetheless. It took determination, effort and persistence which still endures. It's taken courage also and whilst I've fallen, I've found the ability to rise once more. Why? Well, for me of course, as the alternative to doing so isn't much of an option in my estimation. What I've never done though, is seek to rise upon the backs of others and I feel some pride in that. Essentially, the culmination of my life's experiences, thoughts, attitudes and actions make me the person I am in this moment, and one big old dichotomy is what I am.
They say the beauty of a rose is in it's contradictions: Delicate but strong in fragrance...I wonder if a human beings' contradictions combine to form such beauty?
Most people don't get to see all of my contradictions although some see enough to recognise the dichotomy that is me. Some respond and value what they see and feel enough to want to move closer; some do not, and that's just as it's supposed to be.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
I photographed these two images personally.