I’m not in the habit of writing as ‘myself’, so to speak, as I prefer not to put too much of my personal life, thoughts or opinions into a place as volatile as the internet. I was once more open in that regard, but a couple of unpleasant incidents – in which I was followed around on various platforms, stalked in a way that caused me to feel ill at ease – put paid to that and made me more cautious, more vigilant, more aware that while the internet can be a wonderful site of connection and dialogue, there are dangers within it too.
I do feel that I will return to speaking more freely in time, but that confidence has yet to fully emerge. I’m working my way up to it. ❤️ I generally find myself writing fictional pieces in response to freewrite prompts, exploring themes that come to mind in a way that feels safer than putting out my unvarnished thoughts.
Yet tonight – in response to the prompt my ex, I am reflecting on some of my own experiences, and on how it feels to arrive at a place of no longer feeling bitter or angry, no longer ruminating on what was said or done. It is too easy to become trapped in cycles of blame and regret.
One of the keys to increased maturity is developing the ability to understand where others have come from and why they might have behaved in the way they did.
‘All you need is love’ – yes and no. Love involves more than idealising someone or placing them on a pedestal. It involves the willingness to see the person in their entirety – including that which annoys us, baffles us, makes us impatient. I believe in compassion, seeing the myriad ways we can get locked into our own heads and consumed by our fears. Even with the best of intentions, we cannot always be as open-hearted, as kind, as generous of spirit as we know we are capable of being.
I have absolutely had my moments over the years – clamming up when I felt challenged, bottling up petty resentments until they became a much bigger issue than they needed to be, speaking flippant words of anger I didn’t truly mean because it felt easier than having a difficult discussion. I live and learn every single day.
Emotional courage is a process we must continually develop throughout our lives.
Looking back at my ‘partnership skills’ (for want of a better term) five, six, seven years ago… I can see how much they have improved. I will continue to learn until the day I die – as humans, does our learning ever really end? – but tonight, as I sit and reflect on past loves and losses, knowing that I have at last learned how to be more communicative and honest and open-hearted in my relationship today … I am thankful. 🌹
Picture: johnhain/Pixabay