A flurry overhead, a downpour of.... leaves... hitting the ground, sounding like raindrops.
As the trees undress, they carpet the ground below with brilliant reds and golds, jewel-tone greens, and the detritus of frostbitten flowers.
Autumn was always that bittersweet time of year, heralding the end of sticky-hot, buggy, itchy, muggy summer, yet bracing us for the long cold winter to come.
This year, the season is sadder than ever. My sister Lori died in September 2021. Come November, sister Kelly was hit with Stage 4 stomach cancer. Only 3% of Stage 4s live five more years, but we were all counting on the Wunderkind, Kelly the marathon runner, the energizer, to exceed even that prognosis.
How hard she fought; how rapidly, how horribly, she died (on Palm Sunday 2022); how very hard it is to feel the joy of a golden autumn afternoon in this Kelly-less world.
Julie, Lori, Kelly; how does my mom endure burying three daughters? By believing in God and heaven.
I've been reading a lot of Bible bloggers in an attempt to believe a loving Creator God really does exist and did hear our prayers and let Kelly take her beating for some splendiferous reason only God can know. Yeah.
I've watched a lot of videos from NDEs, Near Death Experience people who are passionately convinced that our lives continue after we are parted from our bodies. I read science, history, fiction, and poetry. Stuff like this:
.... š š®šŗ š® ššµš¼ššš®š»š± šš¶š»š±š ššµš®š šÆš¹š¼š.
š š®šŗ ššµš² š±š¶š®šŗš¼š»š± š“š¹š¶š»šš š¼š» šš»š¼š.
š š®šŗ ššµš² ššš»š¹š¶š“šµš š¼š» šæš¶š½š²š»š²š± š“šæš®š¶š».
š š®šŗ ššµš² š“š²š»šš¹š² š®ššššŗš» šæš®š¶š».
šŖšµš²š» šš¼š š®šš®šøš²š» š¶š» ššµš² šŗš¼šæš»š¶š»š“'š šµšššµ
š š®šŗ ššµš² ššš¶š³š šš½š¹š¶š³šš¶š»š“ šæšššµ
š¼š³ š¾šš¶š²š šÆš¶šæš±š š¶š» š°š¶šæš°š¹š²š± š³š¹š¶š“šµš.
š š®šŗ ššµš² šš¼š³š ššš®šæš ššµš®š ššµš¶š»š² š®š š»š¶š“šµš.
šš¼ š»š¼š ššš®š»š± š®š šŗš š“šæš®šš² š®š»š± š°šæš;
š š®šŗ š»š¼š ššµš²šæš². š š±š¶š± š»š¼š š±š¶š².
š²šššš š·ššššš - šøšššššššššš¢, š·šæššŗ.
Today was harder than usual, walking through that carpet of leaves on this last day of October, Halloween, with All Saints Day tomorrow and All Souls Day after that, and November, oh November, settling into my bones.
"It feels like she is right there with me, talking to me every night," my niece wrote in a Facebook family group this morning, 31-Oct-22, and "Your mom's spirit is always near," my sole remaining sister said.
Kelly, ready to run; me, with her daughter and granddaughter
If we moms can watch over our children
and loved ones from The Other Side, beyond death, I would soooo totally trade places so that Kelly could be here running, jump roping, advising, while I could silently, invisibly watch over. If we knew -if we could barter! - if we could choose I'd have Kelly here and me free of the vicissitudes of saying things that come across all wrong, free of the hazards of aging, free of the food allergies and aches and pains of this world. Kelly, you were the wheeler-dealer of the Benning Five, but we weren't allowed to make a deal with death, or you'd still be here, and I'd be quietly watching over with love and encouragement. We don't get to negotiate. We just have to accept what is and keep moving on until we take our last breath and our battered hearts beat their last beat.
Last night I saw my own grandchildren in Halloween costumes, crunching/dashing through that carpet of leaves, house to house, Trick or Treating. They grew weary, and I'd carry them for a spell. Now that is one thing I could not do from The Other Side.
Still. I would absolutely trade places with Kelly.
Even if we don't get to watch over them when we are gone.
Julie, Lori, Kelly, I treasure the tenuous--untenable?--idea that we will be together again.
Kelly's other daughters in 2002 at the farm where five sisters grew up
Thank you 
and 
for the daily prompt. I have fallen off the face of the earth but am finding a finger-hold and slowly, slowly pulling myself back to the world.
Day 18:42 5 Minute Freewrite: Monday - Prompt: carpet
Before I go:
This Fall, Leave the Leaves! | USDA
Oct 17, 2022 | It's the time of year to do your fall garden cleanup. Rather than the tedious task of raking and bagging leaves and taking them to the landfill, the best way to reduce greenhouse gases and benefit your garden is to leave the leaves! Leaves create a natural mulch that helps to suppress weeds while fertilizing the soil as it breaks down. The leaves also serve as a habitat for wildlife including lizards, birds, turtles, frogs, and insects that overwinter in the fallen leaves. These living creatures help keep pests down and increase pollination in your garden, so having a habitat for them in the fallen leaves can help to keep them around when you need them the most. ...
Walking in "God Light" on a carpet of leaves
