“But see, that had to happen because being out here in 2020 wearing underwear that still shrinks is a crime against fashion that had to be punished. A man can't just be on the run from pre-shrunk all his life – and I don't want to hear anything about private intimate acts that don't hurt anybody else. Robespierre Ludlow was a fashion fugitive and Robert Edward Ludlow Sr. handed out justice and that's just that on that.”
Eight-year-old Gracie Trent, hands on hips and all, was just cracking up the adults in her family with her unconsciously imitating her mother's mother, Mrs. Velma Stepforth, while mixing up concepts as only a child can.
Usually eleven-year-old Velma Trent did the imitating of her namesake grandmother, but just swung right over into unconsciously imitating her and Gracie's father's mother, Gladys Jubilee Trent, complete with the slow, sympathetic shake of the head: “Ain't it the truth, Gracie, ain't it the truth.”
It had made Uppity Foolery Watch: Robespierre Ludlow had come in hot to bother his cousin, Capt. R.E. Ludlow, and all the Ludlows, Lees, Trents, and Stepforths had seen what had happened next.
“Beat that man down with water from a garden hose to the face and then to the feet, got him down, and let nature and shrinkage take its course – I mean, I know he's an Army officer, but Capt. Ludlow is out here taking out people with just water?” Mrs. Melissa Trent said.
“Man, they keep us watching and eating this popcorn, though!” 21-year-old Melvin Trent said as he went back to work in his home studio.
“Water and good reconnaissance,” Sgt. Vincent Trent said. “Exploiting every known weakness is a sign of a good soldier.”
“The way the paramedics had to cut that man out of his clothes and his out-of-shapeness just came bubbling back out again,” nine-year-old Milton Trent said. “Stuff you cannot unsee!”
“Probably illegal for viewing in some states,” 18-year-old Vanna Trent said, “and if it's not, it should be!”
Mrs. Jubilee Trent held her commentary for much later, uttered to her grandson Melvin.
“You see why your father and grandfather encouraged you to be all the way done with your high school and college friends?” she said. “Fools don't grow up, they grow old, and the only reason that didn't go a lot worse is because the Ludlow adults know Capt. Ludlow is the most dangerous one and will kill in a heartbeat if he feels the need.”
“Yep, Capt. Ludlow is locked and loaded in a lot of ways,” Melvin said. “Cousin Robespierre is blessed in that the captain has calmed down a lot in just the months that we have known him.”
“And also in that no grandparent is likely to kill someone in front of their grandbabies if he or she has another option,” Mrs. Jubilee Trent said. “You're 21, and I still wouldn't if I didn't have to, but the way to avoid all this is to get away young from fools who think they have a right to roll up. Capt. Ludlow can't help that his family is that much dumber than he is, and that he was dumb right there with them for too long – so take the lesson from this and keep away from fools.”
“Right,” Melvin said. “I do have a question, though.”
“Ask, young man.”
“Folks say things like 'May the bridges I burn light my way' … in physics terms this makes no sense, but is there something there?”
Mrs. Jubilee Trent considered this, and smiled grimly.
“Burning bridges clears up your future in that the fools of the past can't get to it to wreck it for you,” she said.
“Oh,” Melvin said.
“Now about the physics: remember you are Juba-born, Mr. Melvin Jubilee Trent, though gentle of spirit like your grandfather, V.T. Trent. That said, you are still Jubilee, and I need you to understand we don't limit ourselves. If we need a bridge behind us to light the way, we just use a higher-level accelerant to burn it.”
Melvin just put his head in his hand and started laughing.
“Ain't it the truth – that does work in physics!”
“Like I said, grandson, we don't limit ourselves.”
“It's a good thing Robespierre Ludlow didn't roll up over here! He wasn't ready for the water from the garden hose, much less our higher-level accelerants!”
“Yep – straight to Hell,” Mrs. Jubilee Trent said. “He was blessed that he got the right address and rolled up where someone knew him, loved him, and cared, because you already know we would have cut him out of that underwear with buckshot and left him with no need to complain about ever making Uppity Foolery Watch. Ludlows will entertain themselves on some foolishness sometimes, but they can: they have white privilege. We don't, and they don't if they mess with us. Ain't but one law, and we don't discriminate.”
“Yep,” Melvin said. “Ain't it the truth, Grandma, ain't it the truth.”