I saw a meme on social media that summarised how some writers struggle with words when it comes to face-to-face conversations. Our bravado drops and we count our words especially when with strangers. We have a tendency to put our foot in our mouths when faced with situations which require verbal accountability. We tend to spill and when we do we are grossly misunderstood. This is something I experienced a lot, especially with friends. I say one thing and they hear another and then I have to explain over and over what I mean, because I’m scared to hurt their feelings.
So, over the years I learned to just be quiet and listen. I listen to them talk and don’t bother saying what I think. Because if I do, I could be misunderstood and that’s the last thing I want. I just focus on them and give replies. It became a more prominent trait as 2025 drew to a close. I hate when what I say is taken and twisted. It wounds me especially when I consider this person special or if this person is very close to my heart. It means they don’t understand me at all and then it breaks me when they start questioning me to know what I mean. I absolutely hate having to explain something that has no meaning other than what I said. Why? This leads to me going in circles trying to use the right words and then saying something the other person might just pick up on and use to stretch a conversation or an argument.
I just realised as I wrote this how tired I am of pointless arguments. It drains me and makes my mind take a dangerous road. Sometimes, I go quiet because I don’t really care at that point especially when the cycle doesn’t seem to end. So, I deal with the talk and then go ruminate over words said. I always won’t have words. Then I realised that hard conversations might not be hard because of the things that ‘need’ to be said but could be hard because two people see things differently and both of them can’t understand each other totally because their perspectives differ that much.
When it dawned on me, I realised that I may just say a few things but never more than needs to be said. I won’t argue and my silence could be perceieved as resistance but frankly, I’m just counting my words. I hate arguments, loathe in fact. I hate reactions and I despise drama. So, once I perceive these things, my brain automatically goes on lock down mode and my heart takes charge (huh?). I just listen to the person and then when they are calm enough for me to say anything, I just (mostly) agree with them because explanations are going to end in a never ending cycle. Just the thought of it makes me tired.
Only writing this now do I realise that that could be a bad coping mechanism but I’ll figure it out later. I don’t by any means keep silent all the time, I just prefer not to argue or debate. It is exhausting. So, I just avoid it. I apologise and hope we move on. I don’t want word exchange, picking apart what is said to hear what isn’t is just not me. I like simple and when I say something, I could clarify but it by no means I want to go on a rollercoaster of explanations. I’d rather jump into a river (and I can’t swim). I guess I would get better later on.
Images are mine
