I think we can all agree that rejection hurts, and it's not just in the head, it's not just psychological. But this painful feeling has biological and evolutionary roots, because in the past, our ancestors were left to their own devices in the face of the dangers of wild life, and belonging to a group was a vital parameter, essential for their survival at the time, hundreds of thousands of years ago. Social exclusion, ostracism, was tantamount to a death sentence.
So our brains have evolved in this direction, sending us alerts, telling us that we're in danger. But the reality is that in most situations of rejection, the initial pain, which is inherent in our genes, is only a sub-part of the problem. Many of us inflict even more pain on ourselves through self-criticism, and many also experienced family rejection at a very young age, and it became a deep wound. The pain was so intense that we developed adaptive patterns, such as the need to please to avoid rejection.
Generally speaking, we all need to please to some degree, and that's perfectly normal. We all need validation and recognition, and that's only human. The question is rather to what degree the need to please or the need for approval becomes a problem, when it's unconsciously motivated by the fear of rejection. When you have a backdrop of essential things, guilt and the fear of disappointing. The problem is not pleasing others, but doing so thoughtlessly and above all at the expense of our own legitimate needs.
Paradoxically, by trying to please in this way, we end up having the opposite effect. Seeking to avoid rejection paradoxically breeds more rejection. Sometimes, this self-criticism can have its origins in what is known as absolutist reasoning or dichotomy. It's a cognitive distortion that's part of the imperfections of our thinking. Just to illustrate, let's take the example of rejection: Someone disapproves of you, so you feel rejected. This could lead to the erroneous conclusion: "If one person disapproves of me, that means everyone disapproves of me. If one person rejects me, it means everyone rejects me." Therefore, I'm a flawed person who systematically elicits rejection, I'm an unlovable person.
Imagine a child who feels rejected by a classmate at school. The child may deduce that he or she is an undesirable person, and that no one will be able to love him or her. When they get home, and assuming that this child's parents are committed to a caring approach to parenting, they'll try to talk to him and provide a safe environment for him to express his emotions. What will they do? They'll validate the child's feelings and then help him reframe his thoughts. Little by little, the child will learn to manage his emotions in the event of rejection, and learn that rejection hurts, but that this type of difficulty is entirely surmountable. Little by little, they'll learn to nuance their thoughts and not personalize everything, or generalize by saying "everyone will reject me", or personalize the problem by saying "I'm a defective person". And so, by the time they reach adulthood in this hypothetical example, this person's self-esteem will not be systematically dependent on the degree of approval of others.
On the other hand, a child who has not benefited from this supervision, a child who was not allowed to express his emotions, or whose emotions were denigrated, or even worse, if he was mocked, humiliated, punished, reprimanded for expressing his emotions, is a child who will go into adulthood with gaps, with incomplete emotional and cognitive skills. This is a fairly common problem among adults, ex-children from dysfunctional families. So, in adulthood, what happens is that we develop a hypersensitivity to rejection, and so the slightest signal of rejection could trigger the neurobiological survival alert system. You feel extremely bad, and the same goes for the opposite case: your mood will skyrocket every time you detect a sign of approval, of acceptance.
Once again, absolutist thinking could be translated as follows: I've had positive feedback, so I can allow myself to feel good about myself. This positive feedback becomes an exclusive source of reward, in the neurobiological sense, in our brain, and therefore an exclusive source of dopamine. It's a vicious circle because it's going to generate stronger and more recurrent cravings for approval, and over time, we become almost dependent on this external approval. So, the need to please, the neurochemical effect of this approval, and you'll notice that in these two opposing situations, rejection versus approval, it's the interpretation we make of the situation that has the power to break or raise morale.
You're going to say: yes, that's easy to say. In fact, everything is easy to say. If I describe how to cook a dish, it's also easy to say. If I describe the process of writing and posting an article on Hive, you'll tell me it's easy to say. Running a marathon is easy to say. It's the same for everything, because it's not a question of saying, but of applying, of practicing. These are skills we haven't properly developed, let's say there are bugs in the system.
So, to master these skills, we need to practice, and it's normal if we don't get results immediately. Let's take the example of the child who hypothetically feels listened to and validated by his parents. In fact, a parent will play the role of a kind of emotional prosthesis at first, until the child becomes completely autonomous in all respects, and of course, all the while taking a benevolent educational approach to help the child, to support him in becoming autonomous. In this example, let's say there's an intermediate stage between the external event, the problems the child had at school, and the final internal assimilation. And between these two stages, it's usually the parents who intervene to help us reframe things and assimilate them correctly.
And that's what we're lacking: the ability to learn to go through this intermediate stage. On the other hand, today, as an adult, there will be no one to play the role of parent. I prefer to warn you, because at first, it's going to be chaos. You mustn't get discouraged, but you'll see, if you persist, little by little it will become automatic. This intermediate stage consists of validating or rejecting external circumstances. In the event of rejection, the factual examination consists of objectively questioning the facts. You'll come to the conclusion that the rejection has nothing to do with you as a person, but rather with the other person's beliefs and preferences. Similarly, when we receive external approval, such as a compliment, it's up to us to define the appropriateness of that compliment.
You might say, but it's okay to accept a compliment. I'm not saying we can't, it's always nice to receive a compliment. But it becomes a problem when external approval determines our mood, because some compliments are exaggerated, unrealistic and sometimes even hypocritical. To illustrate, imagine you're visiting a psychiatric ward in a hospital, and let's say that in the corridors you come across a confused patient in the middle of a hallucination. Suppose this person tells you that he sees in you a wonderful creature, that he's just had a divine vision telling him that the fifth person to pass by today would be the next prophet, and you happen to be that fifth person. Then this patient gets down on one knee and starts worshipping you. Would it put you in a good mood to experience this situation? Probably, you're going to feel uncomfortable, because you believe that what this patient is telling you is not valid, given his state of mental health. You're going to dismiss his comments, so his words wouldn't have any influence on your mood.
Staying in the same vein, imagine the opposite, with this same patient. Instead of flattering you, this person tells you that in his divine vision, you're a diabolical creature, and you're evil incarnate who must be locked up. And this may shock you a little at the time, because you're not expecting it, but it'll last for a few moments, you'll remain centered, and your mood won't be influenced by his comments, because you know that what this person is telling you isn't valid. In these two extreme cases, you've shown self-approval, and you haven't let yourself be influenced by what someone else has said. And in life, it's the same: other people can say or think what they like about you, good or bad, but it's only the personal deductions we make from them that influence our emotions.
THANK YOU FOR READING AND SEE YOU SOON !
@Genesung