I thought I was already fine.
I woke up and it was cold. It is raining outside. Together with the rain that drops, I cried. Hell, I don't know why I am crying. Nothing hurts. However, there's a weird hollow feeling inside my heart. It feels empty— something is missing. I think I lost it years ago.
This is about what she said that night.
The sound of the raindrops brought memories of the life of a 10-year-old girl. Full of dreams, passion, and aspirations—though ignorant– she saw the world as her playground.
At a young age, she would wander her mind over anything that interests her. She loves reading anything that relates to life. She loves learning how life is to other people. She loves knowing why people feel happy and sad. Why sometimes they feel nothing at all. And why sometimes, she feels everything all at once.
She would look at how other people view the world and try to look through those people's lenses—so she could see what they see too. She would go and see all the beautiful things around. She whines from time to time, but she perseveres.
I wonder where she is now.
When she talks about her dreams, her eyes would sparkle. She would blabber all day and would love to talk about the rest of her life planned out. When she talks about doing the things she loves, she smiles and never stops talking. When she talks about every person she loves, her eyes would soften.
When asked about herself, she would talk with confidence and grace. Her eyes would sparkle, lips would form a very beautiful smile. She would tirelessly tell you everything about herself.
That's when you know she loves talking about everything she loves.
A sunshine.
She was a sunshine. A brilliant girl with a brilliant mind. She was always praised growing up.
"How lucky must your parents be," they said.
"You would grow up beautifully," they said.
She was raised with a standard for herself. They weren't vocal about it though. The hints were subtle, yet they pierced her heart.
I wonder how she is now.
She practiced greatness within herself. She raised her standards higher than they did. She wanted to prove them wrong. She was struggling with what pierced her, but she didn't complain.
She saw how eyes sparkled when she won. She heard happy voices when she succeeded. She felt warm hugs when she made it.
Yet, as she achieved those things, the wound got so big she didn't realize it wouldn't even be fixed with stitches.
Yet she continued. She mastered covering the pain with happiness and as the years passed by, she learned to love the pain.
I wonder what she feels now.
Despite those, she perseveres, like she always does. She still excels, like she always does.
I wonder what she is now.
I saw her last night. And the other night. And the other nights that passed.
Oh, I see her every night.
Do you wonder how she is?
She is fine.
She still loves to talk about her dreams. Her eyes would still sparkle. She would still blabber when asked about her plans in life. Her eyes would still soften especially if you ask her about her family.
However, when you ask her about herself, her smile falters, her lips twitch, and her eyes are void of emotion.
Then, she would smile, her eyes would look alive, and she looked okay— like she always does.
We talk every night. We always do.
Last night, I asked her.
“How are you?”
“I think I'm fine.”
She finally answered.